Abby Cadaver's Reveue de Jitters

Franky's back, baby!

2010-12-03T22:36:00.000-05:00

According to FanGirlTastic Frankenstein will be getting a makeover by SONY Pictures. I'm guessing Universal is hoping that if Franky comes back as a contemporary teen stud who sparkles someone else can take the fall if it fails.

See Fangirltastic for details and speculation.

Dear Ridley Scott, RE: Alien Prequel

2010-12-03T11:56:00.002-05:00

If you've ever had a dream or desire to do something big — something you felt like you were meant to do, and you poured your heart and soul on the floor to get to it, you understand why I'm posting this.

Please spread the message, so this woman, Diana Newton can get the opportunity she's asking for. She wants to be cast in Ridley Scott's Alien prequel.

Click here if video doesn't load.

Or go to Ridley Scott, Watch This.

Enoughy with Buffy

2010-11-23T12:03:00.000-05:00

So, according to Bloody Disgusting, it looks like Buffy the Vampire Slayer is set for a remake.

Why do people celebrate these murdering types? Vampires just want the same freedoms you have.

Never start with the bus!

2010-07-05T18:23:00.002-04:00

Oh, my goodness! I've been meaning to see this movie, Big Man Japan for the longest time, but there was always something getting in the way. After knowing about it for almost two years, I finally found it on Netflix live stream through the Wii.

It's a mockumentary (or at least that's what they are saying) about a man who is the last of generations of people who can be "zapped" to become giant so they can protect Japan from monsters.

Watch the trailer:

Big expectations from an awesome trailer like that is what made it all fall flat for me. There was very little substance to the "interviews" that went on between action sequences. Something tells me I'm blocked by some cultural inability to fathom the humor. There were tons of snickers throughout, but mostly it was a lot of snooze, and short bursts of, "What the what, now?"

Definitely worth checking out despite my poor rating. If you find yourself getting bored like I did, just fast forward to the action. Instead of eye candy it's a lot like some candy product you might have to dare yourself to try - Red bean curd suckers or candied seaweed.

Even if you are able to get through it all, and make it to the final showdown, you'll find yourself getting slugged from behind when they hit you with some kind of reality twist that will have you writhing in confusion on the floor. I must have asked, "What?!!!" five times in the last ten minutes.

I'm wondering if there will ever be a sequel called Big Girl Japan or Big Girl World since it was mentioned early on that Big Man had a daughter around eight years old. We need big girl heroes to protect our world from the bad giant monsters!

Since I was 12 Years old…

2010-07-02T13:42:00.002-04:00

Well, this looks like fun. For some reason, when I got this in my email, I started humming Ventura Highway by America.

The trailer looks fun enough. I hope we're supposed to make fun of this because it looks bad good, not good good. I wonder why monsters are always the bad guys. Maybe because we're actually the good guys. Bad = Good :)

Zombie mini-series

2009-12-01T17:17:00.003-05:00

According to Slice of SciFi.com Pride and Prejudice and Zombies will be made into a mini-series. I better get started on reading that. The book has been burning a hole on my shelf for months.

More here.

Thanks to our friends at Monster Sci Fi Show Blog.

King Kong's remains

2009-11-24T23:49:00.003-05:00

I'm pouty, but smiley about this: The original King Kong skeleton (used for stop-motion on the original 1933 film) just sold at a Christie's Auction for $218,000. I wish I could afford that!
I'm not normally a news poster, but I love my Kong!

Postcards from Salem's Lot

2009-11-22T22:39:00.003-05:00

Darn that flash.

“This plastic cross from your toy monster scene model is frightening to me!”

What's Happening?

2009-11-14T16:25:00.005-05:00

What was all the huff about The Happening? I stayed away from it like I stay away from a habanero pepper at dessert. I finally gave in, and gosh am I glad? I think people were so thrilled with The Sixth Sense, and then progressively more disappointed with M. Night Shyamalan's follow ups that it became a habit for people to dislike whatever he put out.

I actually liked The Happening. I felt the paranoia the characters felt. Just the thought of what was happening was so scary! We're all scared of something coming to get us, but what if that something made us "get" ourselves?

The ending of The Happening was reminiscent of 50s movies that warned us of what the atomic age could bring. This warning is against hurting the plants, though; which is slightly lame. But the monster is not the cause. The monster is the symptom. The plant idea was just a theory in the movie. What happens is the scary part. If people started killing themselves because we ran out of chocolate milk that's still scary.

Blame the vegetarians. Stop killing all the bean sprouts!

And in case you were looking for M. Night Shyamalan in the movie (he makes an appearance in each of his films a la Alfred Hitchcock) I did a little research. He is not seen, but slightly heard. He is "Joey" on the other end of a few phone calls and texts.
Reminds me of Chris Simonson of Death Proof.

M. Night Shyamalan is on the line. Will YOU answer the call?

Evil twins

2009-11-08T19:48:00.004-05:00

I was watching Ghost Story just the other day for the eleventeenth time, and I think this might be the first time this occurred to me. One of the players in the picture is Craig Wasson. He plays both sons of an old man who had a terrible day, "accidentally" killing a girl a long time ago.

Anyway, this fellow Craig Wasson looks just like Bill Maher. So much so that it reminds me I see resemblances often in my favorite movies. So this inspires something new I want to do now and again. Evil Twins!

Please to enjoy my first:

Craig Wasson and Bill Maher are EVIL TWINS!

Ghoultown's "Mistress of the Dark"

2009-11-07T11:46:00.002-05:00

At the end of Chiller Theatre's presentation of The Evil of Frankenstein they played this delicious video from Ghoultown about Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

I'm so glad to have heard these hellbilly boys. Their music is better than Raisinettes sprinkled in my popcorn bucket :)

The Evil of Poster Art

2009-11-07T11:09:00.004-05:00

Here's a great movie poster from The Evil of Frankenstein.

I found it at the Hammer Films official website. Great source of material and entertainment. I want to see ALL the Hammer Films' monster movies!

This version of the monster looks like his head is made of a gallon milk container ;)

The Evil of Hammer Films

2009-11-07T10:20:00.004-05:00

I'm watching The Evil of Frankenstein from Halloween night's WPIX Chiller Theatre (hosted by Elvira) on my DVR, and a thought occurred to me.
The monster is wearing super-heavy shoes or boots with soles that look and sound like they are made of iron. Is it possible Dr. Frankenstein made him wear these boots for the same reason you put weights in a plush toy so it stands correctly?
My other idea is that film-makers were so savvy on the Frankenstein novel knowing the monster was actually "swift" and "agile," that they needed to put him in heavy boots to continue selling him as the lumbering idiot.

I miss when Chiller happened all the time. My six-fingered friend is such a cutey.

EVERY Zombie film!

2009-11-06T17:00:00.002-05:00

My friends over at the Zombs sent me this link by Action Flick Chick to every zombie film ever made! I can't vouch for it not missing a single film, but this list is impressive. A great source to check which films you think are worth checking out.

Thanks go to Action Flick Chick. You are my heroine.

Every Zombie movie ever made.

Salem's Loot

2009-11-01T10:17:00.002-05:00

So, there I was watching Salem's Lot from 1978 with my ghoulfriends, when I was struck by this scene in which the constable has decided to skip town. Constable Parkins Gillespie is in the station wagon with his family heading to North Carolina. He's running from the vampires, because they're turning everyone in Salem's Lot.

Ben Mears played by David Soul of Starsky and Hutch fame tries to stop the constable unsuccessfully, but Gillespie has enough sympathy for Ben Mears' mission that he gets out of the family car, reaches into the OPEN WINDOW of his patrol car, and pulls a pistol out of the passenger seat. He gives it to Ben to use since he's staying in Salem's Lot.

Get the picture? The constable had every intention of leaving town with his patrol car window open for rain to get in and ruin the interior. Oh, and the pistol being left on the seat would be a safety issue, but what about the car interior??? Those vampires pay your salary through taxes, mister!

Chiller Theater returns! again.

2009-10-31T12:02:00.003-04:00

Elvira is hosting this year's Chiller Theater.

WPIX is teasing us again with a comeback of Chiller Theater. Why, oh, why won't it stay for good? I liked it better when they did it all the time instead of just on Halloween.

Elvira will be hosting this year, and the movie will be The Evil of Frankenstein from 1964.

Here's WPIX's official announcement with all the details.

And for those interested in Bogey news outside of the entertainment realm, my good friend LilyBat is also a fan of Chiller Theater.

Format Change

2009-10-31T11:54:00.003-04:00

Hi, Sweeties! I'm just posting to let you know I'm going to be changing my blog's format. As a monster, I am super-busy doing scary stuff, so it becomes difficult to take the time to give a quality review for all the monster movies and scary movies I watch.
So, I've decided to not necessarily always dedicate an entire post to only monster movie reviews. From now on, I want the freedom to share my love of the spooktastic and cheesy with you through simple comments, and maybe some pics. I'll still do some full-on reviews, but I want to go back to basics:
Eat some Goobers, watch some scary movies!

And, by the way, Happy Halloween!

War of the musicals

2009-10-30T12:45:00.007-04:00

Movie • Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of THE WAR OF THE WORLDS • 1978
I try to remember to listen to Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War Of The Worlds at least once a year since I found the double CD at a stoop sale in the late 90s. It is SO cheesy delicious, and fun, I can't help myself. I have to sing, hum, and whistle along.

Here's the official The War of the Worlds Musical site.

It was a complete happy accident to find this CD, and now that I'm aware I'm going to keep my eyes out for the 30th Anniversary. This is a better cult classic than the Rocky Horror Picture Show in my opinion, but who am I except a cute little corpse who know no better.

We begin with a short narration to get you in the mood of what's about to happen. We've all heard the 1938 radio program, right? If not you must have seen one of the movies, so there's little risk of spoilage to tell you about the invaders from Mars. "♪ ♫ The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one ♪ ♫," he said.

My best description of this CD would be Emerson, Lake and Palmer meets Doctor Who.

The story doesn't change much, but there's a nice little surprise at the end. You'll be doing yourself a favor to pick this up, and listen.

Rabbit's Moon

2009-10-27T20:38:00.002-04:00

I was just alerted to this film, and I LOVE it to pieces! It's called Rabbit's Moon. The song that goes along with the short silent film is a mystery to me, but I kind of like that too if anyone knows who it is.

Please to enjoy Rabbit's Moon:

Rabbit's Moon

Here's The Wikipedia link explaining the film.

The Haunting in the least scary sounding state possible

2009-10-26T22:36:00.006-04:00

Movie • THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT • 2009
I was invited to a good friend's house for a "Fright Night" evening of scary movies the other night. We voted on which movie to watch, and luckily it was the one movie in her entire collection I hadn't already seen.
The new fashion in ghost story movies is to find some "true story," and twist the truth just enough (like a braided string of licorice) to turn the unappetizing facts into a bag of Twizzlers. The Haunting in Connecticut really wasn't all that bad :)
I haven't loved contemporary scary movies the way I love classic scary movies, but for this kind of movie The Haunting In Connecticut was better than most. There was a nice build up of creepiness that I enjoyed like a bag of caramel cowtails.
A family must relocate to be closer to a specific treatment center for the son. He's got the ills, and his chemotherapy and experimental treatment wreak havoc on his mother's driving skills. She makes the "executive decision" to rent the creepiest looking over-sized house possible. It turns out to be an old funeral home where seances were held. There's more about the mortician, and his mummifying, and thieving of the bodies (this is where all the great images come from).
The son, Matt is slowly learning more about what happened through visitations from Jonah, the spirit medium who reluctantly helped steal the bodies. Not sure why he had to stick around to watch the mortician carve his diary into the bodies, but he did.
With everything they witness, I'm not sure why the family continues to stay. They are just as slow to react as the families in Poltergeist, The Amityville Horror, and Burnt Offerings.

It's quite enjoyable for a few good jumps and goosebumps.

Un everything

2009-09-25T14:59:00.007-04:00

Movie • THE UNBORN • 2009
Another "un" movie, I know. I just had to watch it because it was sunny one day last week, and I wanted to take advantage of the time inside.

The creepiest scene in "The Unborn."

Before I get all negative on this upside-down buttered toast on a shag carpet of a movie, please take a look at the above pic. It's the only moment of chills I felt in the entire hour and a half. It's a dream sequence where the main character Casey Bell (played by Odette Yustman) is trapped on the ceiling of her bedroom while looking down at herself in bed with her unborn twin. That was the creepy. Then they ruin the scene with him reaching into her belly.

Okay, so let's get started on the knocking of the eye-candy-ization of horror. It's been done forever, but it just seems to be getting more blatant, and I'm starting to get bored of it. Boys can get their eye-candy fix on any cable channel or reality show. Let's keep the scantily clad pretty teenagers to a minimum… or at least limited to sorority murder flicks. Sure, I hear everyone thinking, "But, the Psycho shower scene!" Stop right there. That was not about showing us the texture of what is beneath a thin layer of cotton. That was to put the character in a vulnerable situation we can all relate to to put the fear in the viewer.

Nothing really said, yet, The Unborn was not a terrible movie. I stayed to the end. It had its interesting features. Instead of the typical Catholic possession and exorcism we were treated to a Jewish possession and a multiple-faith exorcism. There are a few confusing twists that involve non-familial pregnancies and a demon from a time before religion… named Jumby :P
To be fair, Jumby was the nickname given the boy twin before he was born and died in the womb.

Apologies for reviewing a movie like this after such a long hiatus. Apologies for calling it a review.

Totally invited… come on in!

2009-06-18T15:10:00.006-04:00

Movie • THE UNINVITED • 2007
Twilight really put me off for a bit. I was so ghastly disappointed in it (book, movie, phenomenon, etc.) that I've all but stayed in my corner cowering from what might come after that. LOL, just kidding! I was baking cookies - lots of cookies :)
Recently, I had to fly on a real live airplane (not a pterodactyl), and I decided to catch an in-flight picture. There weren't many choices, so I decided upon a movie that was only recently released - one I'd originally intended to skip. Contemporary fright films are beginning to annoy me, and I'd rather be eating cob-webs on my crumpets that sit through another.

But Wait!

I sat through Hollywood's The Uninvited" for almost an hour before I realized I was hooked, but hooked the way you might be hooked watching 90210 or The OC. I wasn't there for the spook, nor the fright, nor the shivers. I liked the main character, and I wanted to know how she was going to resolve her issues.

By the end, I was attacked by the creepers. My spine tingled, my eyes welled up, my jaw dropped on the floor… literally. The flight attendant ask me to store it in the over-head compartment after that.

The story was very basic, but as the best stories go: keep it simple, stupid. Sure there were a few cheap scares, but I blame modern audiences, and their demand for crooked, disfigured spirits in anything that's supposed to resemble a ghost story.

I recommend watching The Uninvited thrice!

highlight the text below for bonus spoilerish information:
I klonked my noggin over and over when I realized that The Uninvited is a retelling or remake of the Korean film, A Tale of Two Sisters. There's even a Japanese version of The Uninvited! Now that I think about it, it reminds me of Alice Sweet Alice too!

I'm a buff, not an expert! Here's my review of the Korean version :)

Sparkly old men

2009-05-16T21:06:00.005-04:00

I’m sorry. I have very little good to say about Twilight. I wanted to like it. I really did. I even refrained from reviewing the book because I thought it was awful. The audio book was even worse. Listening to that whiney voice read the story as if everyone was in grousing mode was excruciating.

These vampires “sparkle” like diamonds in sunlight? That’s their eternal torture? They run around like they have wires in their back. Oh, brother. I can’t really even get into it because I’m not a negative monster. I’m just going to say I can’t review the Edward and Bella romance. Edward is a 90 year old man in a 17 year old body courting an actual teenage girl. There’s something fundamentally wrong with that.

Maybe some day I can revisit it, and try again; but I doubt it. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Zombie wasp people

2009-04-29T21:09:00.004-04:00

Movie • BLACK SWARM • 2007
I had a case of sniffelitis, so I spent the day on the couch. Here, I run across a pay-per-view, and I thought the description was fun enough for $1.99, so I watched. WHAT A VALUE! This is exactly the kind of movie that seems stupid now to folks who don't have at least one 40 year old eyeball. That eye has seen the sentiment for certain pictures change over the years, and it’s an interesting phenomenon.

In 2007 People probably thought Black Swarm, which I assume was a made for cable movie, was a pretty bad movie. They’d go on thinking that for a decade or so… maybe more, and with good reason…

• Bad stunts

• The writing is bad

• The characters have wonky priorities

• The characters jump to conclusions or play dumb when it’s convenient

• It was awfully easy to find the secret lair

• The story incorporated a twin story/love story

• kooky effects

• The best actor was a blind lady with too little screen time

• The director felt compelled to have an “Elm St.” because Robert Englund starred

• …and so much more!

But, BUT, BUT all this was little to endure when you get gems like wasp zombie drones. It sounds like I’m complaining, but maybe today I have a connection to the future. Black Swarm has everything I love about goofy monster movies. It’s just not old or black & white… oh, and there weren’t any monsters. Still worth seeing though. Go in expecting nothing, and Black Swarm will come out like a peach!

And Robert Englund has still got it!

BONUS: There is a dog whistle in the movie, and swear I heard dogs barking (not on my Telly) when it was blown.

Rodan was Pteroble

2009-04-26T21:20:00.004-04:00

Movie • RODAN • 1956

Rodan (the giant monster that resembles a prehistoric pterodactyl) gets worse every time I see it. I decided to spend the first half of my Sunday watching some fun monster movies, and thought, “I’ve never reviewed Rodan. I should add that to my list so I can say something about it.” Rodan definitely plays off other monsters (in Godzilla movies) better than a mysterious second version of himself, and an hour of missile explosions blasting the ground. I would have preferred making up a new recipe for cookies than spend 72 minutes going through this again. Even the giant prehistoric insects that tease the early scenes were poorly done, and poorly explained. The cheesy factor only existed in its failure. I would rather the cheese be silly like the cheese that comes from a spray can.

Sometimes I don’t mind the military stock footage old monster movies use to explain the monster’s existence, but the Hydrogen bomb was sooo overdone. Trust me. Enjoy the trailer for Rodan on All Monsters Attack, but stop there… unless you need a nap.

I promise my next monster movie review will be a positive one… and for good reason. Stay tuned :)

It’s like they didn’t even try. These four completely different jets were supposed to be the same plane in one scene.

Dare to dream of monsters

2009-04-18T13:20:00.009-04:00

Movie • ROBOT MONSTER • 1953

Robot Monster is all the proof you need that 50’s drive-in cinema is the best monster movie period history has to offer. This was one of the movies listed in All Monsters Attack! Robot Monster should be categorized as one of the best worst monster movies of all time. Sure, there have been others that stink up the place like a public bathroom; but Robot Monster takes it to new levels complete with asinine costume design and cheesy monster villains that went to the David Prowse school of acting. David Prowse was the big galoot in the Darth Vader costume in the original Star Wars movies. Think “constant fist-shaking” and “superfluous hand-gesturing.” I would not be surprised if George Lucas gave footage of Robot Monster to David Prowse, and said, “Act like that!” Georgie sure loved his black & white movies ;)
Ro-Man IS Darth Vader!

Behold, the high-tech special effects of pre-Indutrial Light and Magic cinema.

Is it me, or am I seeing this woman laughing at her abductor (Ro-Man)?

Even in the original Star Wars (before the digitally enhanced Special Editions) we saw patching behind blue-screened space ships, but at least we never saw actual HANDS IN THE SHOT!

BONUS:
Dare to compare:
This screen capture of Ro-Man walking away with the embedded video (below) of the famous Patterson Bigfoot film with Bigfoot walking away. I LOLed!

I enjoyed every minute of the rabbit-ear adjusting alien overlord in this picture. (SPOILERS: HIGHLIGHT TO READ)… Even the last minute “it was all a dream-or-was-it? cop-out ending”was skillfully done. The repeated image of Ro-Man walking out of the cave could only have been more fun if it was in 3-D. But alas, even the DVD box states that it’s in 2-D.
This post-apocalypse alien invasion film has to be number one on my must-see-over-and-over list. Come for the raspberry sporting boy who isn’t scared of terrifying aliens who’ve already annihilated the world’s population. Stay for the innuendos that fly over like rampaging starlings between Roy and Alice.

For those who’ve seen it…
“You look like a pooped-out pinwheel!” ;)

Trailers of fears

2009-04-13T13:06:00.004-04:00

Movie (trailers compilation) • ALL MONSTERS ATTACK! • 2006

I got this wonderful DVD called All Monsters Attack, All Plastic DVD Kit (designed to resemble the classic monster movie model kits of the 60s and 70s. I adore it! It has 60 of the most entertaining trailers from more than 50 different monster movies. I was glued to my screen watching. I’m going to be watching this over and over until I’ve seen all the movies. Granted sometimes the trailer is better (as is the case with DINOSAURUS!), but it’s just fascinating to see all these promotional teasers and monster movie trailers in one place. It can help you decide what you want to see next. I recommend it VERY highly to fans of the genre.

Below is a full list of the movies that have trailers on the DVD. Some have more than one trailer:

King Kong
Son of Kong
Mighty Joe Young, Konga
The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms
The Giant Behemoth
The Beast From Hollow Mountain
Dinosaurus!
The Lost World
Gorgo
Reptilicus
The Valley of Gwangi
Godzilla King of Monsters
Varan the Unbelievable
Rodan
Mothra the Monster God
King Kong vs Godzilla
Godzilla vs the Thing
Gammera the Invincible
Ghidrah the Three Headed Monster
Atragon
King Kong Escapes
Destroy All Monsters
Godzilla vs the Smog Monster
Yog Monster from Space
The Mysterians
Robot Monster
It Conquered the World
Kronos
Caltiki the Immortal Monster
The Blob
Beware! The Blob
It Came From Beneath The Sea
Attack of the Crab Monsters
Attack of the Giant Leeches
The Giant Gila Monster
The Killer Shrews
Night of the Lepus
Them!
Tarantula
Monster From Green Hell
Beginning of the End
The Deadly Mantis
The Spider
The Cyclops
Attack of the Puppet People
Giant From the Unknown
The Colossus of New York
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock
The Amazing Colossal Man
War of the Colossal Beast
The Three Worlds of Gulliver
Village of the Giants
The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad
Goliath and the Dragon
Atlantis the Lost Continent
Jason and the Argonauts

I’m hoping to find more of these monster movie trailer compilation DVDs to review and enjoy, so please recommend if you know any!

Dinosaurus Van Winkle

2009-04-13T09:28:00.010-04:00

Movie • DINOSAURUS! • 1960

DINOSAURUS! is nine years older than The Valley of Gwangi, so I’m going to guess Gwangi was somewhat inspired by Dinosaurus! However, Gwangi managed to be the whole delicious cake while Dinosaurus! was just the crumbs. I love me some crumbs, but when there’s cake to be had why would you choose anything else?

Don’t get me wrong. Dinosaurus! was extremely satisfying in the way fun, and goofy monster movies can be, but satisfying like a Twizzler, when you want real licorice. They’re both good, but one is more authentic.

Just like many pictures from back in the day, Dinosaurus! has prejudices and stereotypes cooked into the middle. This time, at least, its not only minority stereotypes. There’s the old Irish man employed to watch over the dinosaurs that were found somehow frozen in a tropical lagoon. Of course, he’s a drunk with a brogue and a slur… and a flask. The little Hispanic Central American boy is called Julio. What else? How and why this boy’s guardian is some undefined European traveller with a terrible rotating accent is never properly explained. Being it is a big part of the plot, I would have liked a little more character development there.

Aww, who am I kidding? I came for the caveman and the dinosaurs!

Caveman in a dress… soooo cute!

The caveman was central to the motivation of the protagonist, but why? Who would ever choose to steal a caveman when you can steal a dinosaur? Shows what small potatoes Mr. Hacker was after.

I loved this scene where the caveman found himself in a bedroom looking at portraits and a mirror. He quickly tried to fit in (or found original sin), because he was interested in dressing himself. Somehow, he found himself identifying more with the woman in the portrait, and so he tried on a dress. Makes sense to me! ;) tee hee.

Why are these extras so excited about seeing a dinosaur battle a construction machine?

Somehow this scene reminds me of the dinosaur in a fire scene from The Valley of Gwangi.

Over all, I was entertained, but not thrilled. Definitely worth seeing just for the discussion of the silliness. Maybe someone could write a parallel on Rip Van Winkle. I noticed the old Irish man reading a Rip Van Winkle comic, and we are absolutely supposed to think of the cavemen and dinosaurs as Rip Van Winkle characters. Or, maybe it’s just a reminder that it’s okay to sleep through this one.

Look at the size of that cordless phone!!! ;) tee hee.

Dead like Dead Like Me

2009-03-07T12:15:00.006-05:00

Oh, it’s like watching a relative who’s been sick for a while die a slow death. It’s not an elderly relative, but someone who got sick before reaching their full potential.

It’s like going to see a concert where your favorite band has reunited for one “final” tour, only to find out their aging bodies have betrayed them. Their stage antics, voices, and playing abilities have all betrayed their withering forms.

This is what I felt from start to finish watching the once genius and powerful Dead Like Me turn itself into the hospitalized straight to DVD movie, Dead Like Me: Life After Death.

There were moments when the familiar George Lass brought me back to the old Showtime series, but even her dry, deadpan performance couldn’t save the DVD. Dead Like Me was just never the same without Mandy Patinkin. Too much turnover in characters, then the actors who play those characters just seemed to turn this into a failed franchise.

Stylistically they decided to tell the story differently too. How in the world Dead Like Me should be associated with comic books is beyond my comprehension. Granted, my brain only stays moist with a daily dose of maple syrup, but I don’t get it.

If you’ve never seen the show, rent or buy the first season of Dead Like Me. After that you’re on your own. There are some tasty cupcake sprinkles left on the plate after that, but they are few and far between. Enjoy the delicious concept early on, but promise yourself to never be addicted. You’ll never be satisfied with a true fix. It’s like replacing butter with yogurt in your cake recipe. While it’s still cake, it’s just not as yummy.

Special note to Ellen Muth who plays George Lass…

You were brilliant in your roll as toilet seat girl. You are great playing a sarcastic and bitter dead girl who is plonked into the new job of reaper without ever having applied. Please, and I beg you… please don’t reprise this role anymore. You are too talented to be type cast into a roll that will never evolve. It seems as if producers and writers don’t care about this series. Don’t let that be your legacy.

Oh, Coraline

2009-02-24T13:55:00.008-05:00

Movie • CORALINE (in 3D) • 2009
Wishy wow-wow, holy cow-cow! I LOVE this movie! I don’t know what else to say. I heard it was a fantastic book, and that fans of the book thought the movie lacked some of the substance, but isn’t that always the case? Anyway, I hope then that you’ll see the movie first.
Coraline Jones was a convincing little girl with convincing foibles and characteristics. Each character was introduced with the perfect amount of fanfare and spice. Every time a new quirky neighbor is introduced, we are treated to vast descriptions of their past and private selves, but still left with so much mystery we want to see more of them. I haven’t read the book, but I suspect they added Wybie (the boy neighbor) just for the film version. The black cat could have told his part on his own. Perhaps they wanted to add a goofy sort of love interest. The comedy relief was found in the father and the “other” father, but I didn’t mind seeing the cute little boy.
Coraline and her family are new additions to “The Pink Apartment House,” and she feels somewhat alone because her mum and daddy are so neglectful due to their adult responsibilities. We are lead to believe Coraline has found a way to escape this dreary reality by escaping to an imaginary world where everything is as she would like it - including her parents; but there’s a catch. Everyone has buttons for eyes.
Soon we find out the dangers of Coraline’s ventures into alternate reality, and she bravely begins her plans for escape. The problem? She’s not the only one trapped, and her heart is way too big to take flight alone. She’s going to help the others break free from her “other mother.”
Brilliantly done, I loved the animation. Classic stop-motion integrated with a few computer effects give this picture such style, I plan to see it again and again!

I was lucky enough to see it at New York City’s Zeigfeld Theater in 3D on the last day it was being shown. It’s still out in theaters, so I recommend seeing it right away! It might be a wee bit scarey for young children, so bring your mittens to cover their eyes :)

I hope when it’s out on DVD they will release the 3D version. It really added to the atmosphere, and they didn’t spend too much time with 3D gimmicks. The 3D just made you feel like you were there in Coraline’s world.

Bonus to look for. At the end of the credits, what I can only surmise is an inside joke pops up:
For those in the know…
JERK WAD.
I don’t get it, but I like it.
Would love to hear from someone “in the know.”

Be careful what you wish for…

Gwangi-gi Gwan-gi-gi, oh so soft and cuddle-lee

2009-02-01T14:39:00.011-05:00

Movie • THE VALLEY OF GWANGI • 1969
Gwangi is my new crush. I don’t think I ever even heard of it before stumbling across it on Netflix. I’m happy as a cotton candy sweater that I found it. I knew right away when I heard the early 70s movie musical score sounding way ahead of its time as a 1969 movie ;)

Before I knew it, the score turned into the feel of a Disney adventure film. Not knowing what to expect, I thought, “Okay, here comes the cheese,” but it was the bleuest of cheeses. The kind that goes well at a cocktail party. The kind of cheese that makes you feel better about yourself.
I was wondering early on what was with the over-acting, but then realized these must all be stage actors, and maybe actors from a real traveling cowboy show. The stunts were painfully convincing from the very first face-plant.
We open with a mysterious scene that has Miguel coming out of the Valley of Gwangi with a canvas bag of horse. Yes, horse. A toy sized, three-toed, long thought extinct horse. This horse is used in the traveling show that teeters on stereotyping, and falls over the edge with no remorse.

Gwangi is not a fan of the rodeo.

The movie itself playfully pokes at prejudices and stereotyping with the way our hero, Tuck speaks to Lope; but Lope puts him in his place, and takes it like a man… a gingerbread man. He is soooo sweet. He must have been the love child of a secret manage-a-trois among Robert Redford, Paul Newman and Charlton Heston. His name is James Franciscus. It's a wonder I never noticed him before considering how well known he is in the genre.

Lope, played by Curtis Arden. He has to be in his fifties now.

James Franciscus, the love child of Robert Redford, Paul Newman and Charlton Heston plays Tuck.

I have my suspicions that Stephen Speilberg was a fan of The Valley of Gwangi. There are many scenes and styles that were seemingly borrowed when Jurassic Park was made. Compare the unseen creature opening in a crate in Jurassic Park to the unseen creature opening in a bag in Valley of Gwangi. Also compare the boy-guide in Valley of Gwangi to the boy-guide in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. A few more things reminded me, but I forget what they were. Borrowing is flattery though. I was reminded of King Kong in watching Gwangi carted off to the show.

The effects integration was outstanding.

Go out and get this. Buy it, rent it, steal it. Get your eyes and ears on this flick. It’s a classic that never got the credit of classic it truly deserves. It’s Clash of the Titans meets Wild, Wild West.

Bonuses to not miss:
The Disney street parade in the beginning will make you chuckle.
The costumes look like they were straight out of an Old Navy commercial.
Gwangi gets credit as an actor (this makes me feel better about his death scene).
Strange voice-over for actress, Gila Golan who played TJ, Tuck’s love interest. Was her voice that bad?

Sad:
An elephant gets mauled by Gwangi… but it’s a claymation elephant.

2 Hours of Blah-chock-guck

2009-01-14T11:11:00.006-05:00

Movie • 30 DAYS OF NIGHT • 2007
I should begin by saying I only just found out this picture was based on a graphic novel. It was probably much better presented in that medium, so I’m going to hunt that down, and read that.
I’ll continue by adding that a monster friend of mine told me he saw a version of 30 Days of Night that used subtitles when the vampires spoke. I can imagine that if I knew what these vampires were saying then they would have seemed even less scary. Okay, they were scary, but there were so many flaws in 30 Days of Night, I found myself throwing caramel popcorn at my screen. What a waste of caramel popcorn.
The premise is good. In Barrow Alaska they experience 30 days of night because of the Earth’s axis in their winter. So gypsy vampires come in to fish from a barrel. Two flaws already…
Flaw #1: The sun doesn’t set in this situation as if the last day was full and bright. It’s gradual. And the first sunrise after 30 days doesn’t give you full daylight. I know this because Frankenstein’s monster spent some time in Barrow, and he told me all about it when I was a little corpse.
Flaw #2: These are intelligent vampires. They act savage, but they are intelligent. Ask LilyBat. Their savagery is based on hunger. So, if they take the time to wait until the 30 days of night begins, why would they slaughter everyone they can get their claws on willy-nilly in the first night? That’s wasting food. They should have hunted slowly, so they could savor their cupboard of prey. Maybe having no daytime to sleep drives them batty.
At one point the surviving hiders find a little girl vampire that no one knows. It’s a town of something like 500. They know everyone. It’s safe to say then, this little girl came with the clan. So, why when all the other vampires speak Gluck-chuck-tock-chick does she look up from her midnight snack speaking perfect English to them? “I’m done playing with this one. You want to play with me now?” It was for shock effect, and it failed. Flaw #3.
Flaw #4: 30 days, and no one had to shave?
Flaw #5: At some point the beautiful Megan Franich gets scorched by standing too close to a sunlamp without SPF 50. Yet the rest of the vampires can stand mere inches from a blazing oil fire that engulfs the town without getting so much as a freckle.
Flaw #6: The head of continuity was asleep on the job. At least one vampire who was dispatched of in a way that there is no return shows up in a later confrontation. That’s just plain carelessness.
Now, this is not neccessarily a flaw, but just plain unbelievable. Take care. It’s a spoiler. Highlight to read:
Josh Hartnett does something to fight off the vampires in the end in order to make a diversion so his sweety can escape. he injects himself with vampire blood so he can be strong enough to throw down with the head vampire. Duh. So his strength matches the alpha vampire’s in a few short minutes, but none of the other vampires choose to take him on once he does him in? What is this, Lost Boys lore?
I don’t care to be negative any more. Even with these flaws, I still liked seeing it. I’m reviewing 30 Days of Night as if it was more than a horror movie only because it should have been.
Some things I liked:
The make-up was top-notch.
There was great atmosphere. The distant screams at intervals in the backgound really set the mood.
I caught the Wilhelm Scream at about the 39 minute mark. That was the highlight of the movie for me.

Megan Franich and her sexy blood goatee.

Scale Tipping Horror

2009-01-11T13:04:00.007-05:00

Movie • THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE • 1959
In this cautionary tale, The Alligator People, Richard Crane plays a man named Paul Webster who volunteered for experimental treatment after a plane crash. His mangled body heals itself better than any human could because of alligator enzymes in his experimental treatment. But, of course, as with anything experimental in old medicine and old monster movies something goes wrong. Paul is slowly turning into an alligator man.

The story is told through flashback via Paul's wife, Joyce, though she has repressed the memory. She tells the story under hypnosis. It’s really a creative way to make this story more interesting. It comes across as a warning against human testing, and the repercussions of ignoring that warning.

Newlyweds Joyce and Paul Webster are traveling by train on their honeymoon when Paul receives a telegram (ancient form of communication) that changes his chipper mood. He gets off at the next stop, and his wife doesn't see him again… until after years of searching she finds him again. At this point he looks like a pancake batter make-up monster with scales scored into his face.

Eventually, an attempt at a hasty cure is interrupted by an old, drunk man made bitter by a long ago alligator attack that left him one hand short. This incident drives Paul’s metamorphosis into express mode, and he ends up looking like the Gorn from Star Trek.

Except for the costumes and make-up there is very little

camp and cheese here. I can genuinely imagine The Alligator People could be remade in modern day. Not that I don’t appreciate it as is. A modern version would probably be intentionally corny, but it wouldn’t have to be.

Richard Crane just wants a hug.

Lon Chaney, Jr. (credited as Lon Chaney) plays the part of hook-handed Cajun “Manon,” A lovable old coot who is obsessed with harassing gators.
Thanks, Margali for the correction ;)

IT’s the cute, smiley monster from Mars

2009-01-09T11:57:00.004-05:00

Movie • IT! THE TERROR from BEYOND SPACE • 1958
As I suspected, IT! The TERROR from BEYOND SPACE was an inspiration for the original Alien. Don’t expect the same kind of terror, though. This creature from Mars has a permanent frown plastered on his face, and that's about as scary as he gets. That's not to say, of course, that this picture wasn't brilliant! IT! The TERROR from BEYOND SPACE was a double feature with The Monster That Challenged The World, and I loved both :) I wish I could turn his frown upside down because he makes me so happy.
An astronaut crew crash lands on Mars in January of 1973… Ooh, fu-ture ;) Edward Carruthers is the only survivor, and is suspected of killing his crew to survive longer. It’s really a simple and believable set-up. His rescuers are bringing him back home to Earth to face trial. We learn this in the press room back on Earth where reporters smoke cigarettes freely in a small room… Blech!
Of course, an emergency air lock is left open by mistake, and our frowny creature sneaks in to hide among the cargo, plotting his viscious attacks for the return trip. Carruthers is subject to accusations and requests of confession early on. I thought it would be good to continue that tension after the creature starts killing, but the rescue crew knows right away that he’s not involved.
After the first victim goes missing, everyone is darting around looking under tea cups for him as if he was an Easter egg. This hour and ten minutes had me chuckling the whole time.
I guess it was a fifties thing, but I had to wonder what a rescue rocket was doing loaded with hand grenades and gas masks. I felt like I was watching Lost for an instant! But then the creature bent a rifle with a wood stock, and I was all better. Chuckles all the way through - including the tetherless space-walk.
IT! The TERROR from BEYOND SPACE was only a little over an hour, so you have no excuse but to give this gem a look-see.

Gastropoda need love too

2009-01-08T11:37:00.003-05:00

Movie • THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD • 1957
Thanks, I needed that! After so many modern movies, I was beginning to think I was losing my appetite for monsters and scary. The Monster That Challenged The World revived me ;)
While the monster never actually “challenged” the world (not in a Mr. T way, anyway), it challenged a ragtag group of Navy people. We begin as many black and white monster movies begin: in a documentary style narration using stock military footage for filler and setting.
Then the cheese is served up on a plate, and I gorged myself! It”s funny how obvious it used to be that writers never seemed to be aware that there is protocol in the military.
The atomic age monster makes an early appearance, and sheesh, he’s too cute! Then you find out there are many. A gaggle of cutsey wormy monsters who drink your blood, and leave you looking like a raisin. They would make great pets :)
Take note of the styles scenes that seem to translate directly into Jaws scenes. One in particular comes at the 24 minute mark. It’s almost exactly the same swimming death “tug” scene that happens at the beginning of Jaws.
A young couple out for a swim is lost to the snacking slug in the middle of the night. The monster leaves radioactive secretions wherever it has been, so I was a little confused as to why his secretions would be left near the spot they changed into their suits. That’s exactly the kind of inconsistency that I love about old monster movies. They put so much into the monster, they must have hired writers without continuity experience. Still, The Monster That Challenged The World made my day!

My bonus fun moment to watch out for is the contrived, but charming scene where the autopsy doctor pulls his lunch from the cold drawer where bodies are usually kept.

Wolf bites

2009-01-07T17:18:00.005-05:00

Movie • WOLF • 1994
Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of a werewolf in Wolf is simply wonderful, but his performance barely saves this picture. In the end it turns out no better than a rainy day flick for when you don’t have any cookies to bake.
There is an attempt at a classic monster movie opening with the stylized film-work and soundtrack. It almost convinced me that the movie had promise, but it quickly turned into a slowly drawn out action romance. While the “bite” seems reasonable enough, the transformation is slow, albeit realistic. Where was the dramatic movie magic? Even in 1994 special effects were good enough to do a more convincing job.
The plot is a bit more involved than, say, an original Universal monster movie; but it doesn’t make the movie any more appealing. Michelle Pfeiffer was decent, but her strong presence makes it difficult to see her as a distressed damsel. This seems like a mistake, but instead it becomes an obvious hint of what’s to come. James Spader was what he always is… a jerk. I guess he’s typecast.
Forget the animatronics. Poor. The fight choreography was about as good as what you might see on a soap opera. This movie had great potential, but really ended up flopping like puppy ears.

Bonus coolness: Look for the cool skull behind David Hyde Pierce in his opening scene.

Blood is prettier than water

2008-12-03T12:51:00.004-05:00

Movie • A TALE OF TWO SISTERS • 2003
A Tale of Two Sisters is another Korean movie. They have a knack for confusing me, even with the simplest of plots. Story-telling is a cultural thing, and I'm just not used to seeing stories told this way. Gobs of it was plain weirdness for what seemed like the sake of weirdness. Then suddenly, one line is delivered that sent tingles down my spine. Su-mi’s father says something toward the end that puts everything into perspective… mostly.
Su-mi and Su-yeon are sisters forced to live with their new “mother.” She and their father seem like an unlikely couple, and she apparently has a problem with these children. There is a lot of high-pitched yelling between the girls and their dad and step-mom; so keep your finger on the volume control if you don’t want a headache.
A Tale of Two Sisters is beautifully filmed, and every frame would make it into a frame on my wall if I had the space. But it seems a lot of the images are confusing to the story. I was never certain, even at the end whether the time-line jumped around or was the story in her mind… or her mind… or her mind… or his mind… or was it an explanation? Either way, if I hadn’t have watched it alone it would have been one of those great movies to discuss. What did this mean? What did that mean?
I recommend it to people who fancy subtitles and plot confusion. Come on, you can handle it.

Die it and Exorcise

2008-11-07T12:48:00.003-05:00

Movie • THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE • 2005
I was invited to scary movie night by my friend, Betty Bones last week. One of the movies we watched was The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I never really thought I’d enjoy this particular movie because it seemed like one of those flicks that tries to capitalize on the recent popularity of scary movies. Turns out, I was right… and I was wrong. Though it’s obvious this was released at an opportune time, it seems this was a labor of love. It was a somewhat new way to tell the same old story.
The setting is modern day. We watch a court battle of who is responsible for the death of this young woman, Emily Rose. She was possessed according to her family and her clergyman. She died after a failed exorcism. According to the “people” and the prosecution her death was the result of the priest’s neglect for the maladies she supposedly suffered according to her doctor.
Just as the result of the court case, the movie allows you to decide what actually happened. They paint it both ways, but you are in for a few good startles and ghoulish images. It was worth the watch just for that.
Not as good as The Exorcist, but definitely better than most exorcism movies.

It’s Got Legs

2008-10-30T20:19:00.007-04:00

Movie • TARANTULA • 1955
w00t!!! Got to see the newest Chiller Theater feature, Tarantula from 1955. A black and white classic, Tarantula is a wonderfully done giant buggy picture. This should be on your list of must see monster movies from the 5os if you haven’t already seen it eleventeen times!
You may have recognized Zacherly, the Cool Ghoul by his distinctive laugh if you saw this presented on Chiller Theater. I fell in love with this dreamy host a long time ago, and was glad to see his return. Chiller Theater ran first in 1961, but Zacherly hosted starting in 1963. My memory was wrong as I thought the six fingered hand was part of the opening. In reality the opening was snippets from some chiller classics. The six-fingered hand crawling from the pool of blood came on commercial breaks. You always knew the feature’s conclusion was coming up when the Chiller Hand “ate” the letters C-H-I-L-L-E-R. Something else I never could have noticed back in the day is that the voice you hear moaning, “Chiiiilll-eeeeeeer…” sounds a lot like Homer Simpson.

Tarantula opens in Desert Rock County as a disfigured man stumbles and croaks. The mystery around this man, soon identified as a Professor Jacobs, quickly unravels as we find he was part of a team experimenting on rodents and insects in the hopes they can find a solution to overpopulation. I can’t understand the logic in this, though. They were developing a serum that would act as a nutritional supplement, but the creatures grew to extremely large sizes, which I suspect would need more food or serum to survive. I guess that’s where scientists go mad in their passion to make a difference. They get exposed to they crazy chemicals, and inject themselves with their idiotic concoctions.
Needless to say, the lab is destroyed, and all the experiments are thought to be destroyed. All. But. One. The TARANTULA! It leaves the lab the size of a dog, but quickly grows to be so outrageously enormous that it dwarfs a three story house :)

We follow the shenanigans of Professor Dima, Dr. Matt Hastings (our hero), and Stephanie Clayton, aka Steve. We get to see the lovely creature several times in seamless overlays. You’ll love the effects, so grab some popcorn, and enjoy!

Tidbit relayed by Zacherly in this showing: Uncredited was a young Clint Eastwood as a fighter pilot. You can see him in the last sequence.

I want to apologize for the run-on sentences. I get that way when I get excited about great movies!

Chiller Theater Returns!!!

2008-10-24T14:35:00.002-04:00

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, but it gets very busy around here before Halloween. I have to let you know one of my favorite programs is coming back! If you are in the NY area, or get WPIX Channel 11, they are bringing back Chiller Theater! Remember that six fingered hand that emerged from a puddle of blood to eat the letters in “CHILLER?” Then it would sink back down with that eerie “Chiller,” voice. Ooooh I had such a crush. I just know the elbow had to be just as cute!
Here’s a link to the Channel 11 WPIX announcement:
http://www.wpix.com/wpix_chiller_theatre

Also, here’s a link to the original Chiller opening:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux3laLkueZk
We all know all YouTube links don’t necessarily last, so here’s a search for more:
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=chiller&search_type=&aq=f

The heard world

2008-09-03T12:50:00.005-04:00

Movie • THE LOST WORLD • 1995 Audio book • Original book publication - 1912
Having seen the movie for the first time, I decided to listen to the audio book while I baked some cookies. Wow! The audio was almost 9 hours long, but I was entirely engrossed for the duration. The old writing made it amusing at times, but old-school racist also. If you can get past that, and listen knowing the sensibilities are archaeic you may enjoy the in depth descriptions, and playful commentary.
The love story is completely different, and almost completely absent once it’s established. I understand why they played up the love story in the movie, but I expected that there would be better resolution in the book.
The pterodactyl was the main dinosaur, and the ape men were the antagonists virtually missing from the movie. I was disheartened to see that the explorers were more concerned with conquering the Lost World and its inhabitants than preserving it. Still, though — it was a brilliant story everyone should “read.” You will hear all the inspirations for modern dinosaur movies.I downloaded this unabridged recording of The Lost World by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and narrated by Paul Hecht. Audible.com has a great selection of audio books. They don’t take up space on the shelf where you may rather display your bone collection.

Crafty music

2008-09-01T15:54:00.005-04:00

Music • THE CRAFT • Soundtrack • 1996
Woosa, I’ve been in pieces lately. Sorry for the delay in posting. I haven’t been able to do much movie watching lately so, as a treat I’m going to talk music for a bit.
Music, when packaged well with a movie can be a way to experience the movie in small parts. Scenes can be recalled because of the perfect song. When you hear that song, the scene can pop up in your mind. My crush Quentin Tarrantino knows this.
The Craft soundtrack is really better than that. It serves to make me remember the movie more fondly. While it was a pretty cool movie, the music collection is a fantastic gift while the movie is just beautiful wrapping paper: enjoyable for the present, but not something to hold on to.
This soundtrack has some phenomenal cover songs. I hope you like covers the way I do. Updating or re-imagining music is a great compliment to the original artist as well as a refresh for us who appreciate the different takes.
All in all, I’d have liked a more spooky or haunting sound to the music like Mathew Sweet’s Dark Secret, but I understand how important it is to appeal to a wider audience. I do like that they stick with mostly outside the mainstream bands or independent artists like Juliana Hatfield (she happens to be one of our MySpace friends). Jewel is a bit out of place for my taste, but I like the song. Except for the rap part (she should lay off the rap) it reminds me of the 7o’s. That’s when my toesies are from, so they do some tapping.

Below is a track listing

1. Tomorrow Never Knows - Our Lady Peace
2. I Have the Touch - Heather Nova
3. All This and Nothing - Sponge
4. Dangerous Type - Letters to Cleo
5. How Soon Is Now? - Love Spit Love
6. Dark Secret - Matthew Sweet
7. Witches' Song - Juliana Hatfield
8. Jump into the Fire - Tripping Daisy
9. Under the Water - Jewel
10. Warning - All Too Much
11. Spastica - Elastica
12. Horror - Spacehog
13. Bells, Books and Candles - Graeme Revell

Craftmatic adjustable morals

2008-08-10T19:27:00.003-04:00

Movie • THE CRAFT • 1996
I didn’t realize until I looked up the date the The Craft was out in 1996. That seems like ages ago! I have a special affinity to The Craft and its characters because I, for one, am seduced by the powers of magic. I am often tempted to sprinkle a little magical sugar on my baked goods because I am secretly scared no one will like them. Power is a seductive mistress, and cookies aren’t always as delicious as you fancy they might turn out.
I certainly fancied The Craft. Sure it took witchcraft a little over the top. It seems all too easy for movies to play off magic as an easy to come by talent that you can master in an afternoon. This picture was guilty of that too, but it was important that it set a moral code. There are consequences to using hate and anger as your energy source when you dabble with the unknown. What comes around goes around, and what goes around comes around three-fold.
North, South, East, West, the Craft was good, but not the best. When you come around to it, take a listen to the soundtrack. It’s chock full of goodies :)

The found masterpiece

2008-08-09T19:51:00.003-04:00

Movie • THE LOST WORLD • 1925
How was I to know that without seeing this movie, I’ve not seen one of the greatest pictures ever made? By today’s standards it would be laughed at, but snotty-nosed kiddies with no appreciation for the endeavor and effort that went into something this big think CGI has existed forever. In my opinion stop-motion was one of the best inventions related to film. It was what brought magic into the eyes and imaginations of children and adults alike. The original classic based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s book, The Lost World was a milestone that stands as a masterpiece. Done long before King Kong, and other stop-motion favorites, The Lost World was silent, but resonated in film history.
Given our knowledge of the scary creatures from prehistory, I’d say that they came pretty close. Sure, they looked goofy at times. Sure, some of the dinosaurs depicted never actually existed. Never mind the Chaka type fellow and his monkey cohort. These were characters to bring personification to the lost place they found in the deep jungles of South America.
The Lost World includes a contrived and convenient love story, but I wasn't here for that. You could almost skip the narration and dialog cards, and still enjoy this picture for the brilliance!
I loved the overzealous Allosaurus and all the veggie-sauruses who fought like predators.
The only thing I didn’t like, but I guess was a sign of the time, was the black-face white actor who played the black man. That was a little weird. That, and the fact that the terrorizing dinosaur in the end is a brontosaurus!
I’ll enjoy this one again.

Eaten Alive needed spicing up

2008-08-02T13:06:00.004-04:00

Movie • EATEN ALIVE • 1976
The 70’s were a time when films were being made that could offend you with the title alone. Then, if you bothered to watch you’d either see something so cheesy and poorly acted, any gore that might be present looks like camp.
Eaten Alive (from the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) begins with a naughty scene the boys might enjoy. It’s accompanied with some cheap synthesizer music. A Louisiana hotel owner is the reddest neck hick with a taste for watching his croc fill his belly. Having been attacked in the past, I’m guessing he sees his thrill as justified.
This movie is grotesquely violent, and crosses the line between campy gore and cheap shock. The killer is out of his mind! I just know this picture was one of Rob Zombie’s influences.
Everyone is crazy in Eaten Alive, including the victims and heroes. I had to check the credits to be sure, but an interesting hunky surprise is that the dreamy boy, Freddy Krueger has a role. Actually it’s Robert Englund looking surprisingly buff and pretty. He plays a sassy mouth local who is too tough to let the hotel manager scare him.
If you decide to watch this one keep the remote in your hand. You’ll be turning it down pretty often when the screechy screams take over the poor sound quality.

Jump around, jump around!

2008-07-31T10:20:00.004-04:00

Movie • JUMPER • 2008
Hayden Christensen is a delicious peach pie in Jumper. I ate up the whole thing. There were a few small holes in the plot, but that was to let steam out so the pie doesn’t explode while baking. Who wants baked peach puree all over the walls of their oven, anyway?
I was pleased to watch this, and had a great time. The bad reviews Jumper got when it was in theaters are just backlash, projection, and displaced anger about the ruination of the once feared and respected Darth Vader. Christensen makes up for this in Jumper, and we can all refocus our disdain at George Lucas.
Hayden Christensen’s character finds himself with a new amazing talent when his life is in danger, and he quickly masters his “jumping” ability to fulfill fantasies of independence and luxury. Nothing teaches like travel, and we all know that while journeys are often fulfilling, who wouldn’t want to cut out the 20 hour flight to get to the other side of the planet? Some kids backpack through Europe, but we’d see it all, and appreciate so much more if we could eliminate the train ride between the Tate Museum and the Louvre.
Of course there are other jumpers, and with all the yins there are yangs. Samuel Jackson heads up an ancient team of people who want to make the jumpers extinct. They represent a religious right who make self-righteous assertions without realizing that they themselves are the ones at odds with nature. By trying to destroy the jumpers, they are the ones playing God as they accuse the jumpers of doing the same thing.
Jumpers is short enough to be heart-stopping action for the duration, so enjoy the ride! And the sequel (or series) implications are enough to make me hope for more!

Pack it up, pack it in
Let me begin
I came to win
Battle me that's a sin
I won't tear the sack up
Punk you'd better back up
Try and play the role and the whole crew will act up
Get up, stand up, come on!

ΩMega Bomb

2008-07-23T09:56:00.006-04:00

Movie • THE OMEGA MAN • 1971
I have to admit, I’ve only seen this for the first time. These old cult classics should have been seen many times. I also have to admit, I will likely not be seeing The Omega Man many times. Maybe I’ll watch a scene here and there, but jeepers, it seemed like Omega Man should be watched at nap-time. Charleton Heston looked bored playing his role, and the plague surviving zombie/vampire people were more like jive-talking albino druids that mated with the Morlocks from The Time Machine.
I knew I was in for a really boring treat when Robert Neville goes into a theater to watch a Woodstock film… and we are subjected to several minutes of it as if we’d be given insight to the vibe. I get that what we see in this theater with Neville is a symbolic foreshadowing to the new night-dweller society. After a worldwide biological war, there are a few survivors who are a homogenized, socialist twisted version of the hippie peace ideology. These are the vampire/zombie people that were originally conceived by Richard Matheson in his book, I Am Legend.
I see now where the new I Am Legend movie drew most of its inspiration from. The urban setting, the basic plot line with Robert Neville saving the world with his blood just before dying a martyr’s death, the halfway love interest with a child, etc.
The Omega Man and the recent I Am Legend simply weren’t successful in telling the story of Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend the way Last Man On Earth starring Vincent Price did.
Stay away from Charlton Heston in this one. About the only thing I found entertaining was the inappropriately happy music that played as the soundtrack.
If you insist on watching, look for these three things:

• Listen to what Lisa says to Robert when they first meet. It’s a hint to his end.
• Look for the Alanis Morissette look-alike in the surviving human clan.
• The Ω in The ΩMega Man looks like headphones

But I recommend curling up with a cup of tea and some cookies, and reading Richard Matheson’s book instead.

Hellish to watch, and not golden

2008-07-21T21:06:00.005-04:00

Movie • HELLBOY II: The Golden Army • 2008
As cute as this Hellboy guy is, and as cute as Ron Perlman is, I’m not getting this. How a sequel happened after the first snoozer is beyond me, but I’ve seen it happen. There are die-hard fans, and there’s serious potential behind an interesting set of characters and premise. So they had their chance to make it better (kind of like the Hulk), and they did indeed make it better; but they only made it slightly better than the first bad one (kind of like the Hulk).
While the set designs, costumes, CGI, make-up, and scenes were all brilliantly painted, and the patchwork of images and creatures were dazzling to watch, the story was plain and boring. Betty Bones was with me, and she actually fell asleep! She even had a bucket of brains to munch on!
I give Guillermo del Toro kudos for beautiful imagery, but please stick with non-franchise stuff. You probably lost control, and had to make the best with what you had. There is camp value. I guarantee I'll love this picture in about 20 years.
Nice tooth fairies, though. They were pretty close to the real thing.

The dark is brilliant

2008-07-20T12:13:00.009-04:00

Movie • THE DARK KNIGHT • 2008
After so many tries, I am surprised I even bothered hoping the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight would be any good. Most people were very pleased with the first new Batman movie that starred Christian Bale, but I thought even that one (though it was the best to date) left something to be desired. Batman was not the tortured soul to the level he should have been…
Well THANK HEATH LEDGER for a brill Joker performance! Christian Bale was a decent Batman again, but I wish his gravely voice didn’t seem so over the top. Heath Ledger managed to make this picture a dark, scary nightmare I never wanted to wake up from. This lovely creature was a pleasure to watch. From the first minute, The Joker was my hero. I wasn’t necessarily sold on his psychotic personality just because of his murderous plan that played out early; but then The Joker introduces himself to the cast of criminals… DREAMY! I love magic (I wish I was better at it). The Joker makes a pencil disappear in jaw-dropping fashion. I was glad there was some cinemuck and popcorn on the floor, or my jaw hit the floor with no reward.
As it should be, the hero (Batman) may have had more screen time, but Joker was the star of The Dark Knight. His insane rants and antics were the center of gravity of this new Batmen movie.

Highlight for spoilers:
Hopefully this text won’t be found to be a spoiler for very long… Two-Face/Harvey Dent was a surprise for me. I never expected him to look so creepy, and wasn’t even certain he’d play such a big role. I hope he’s not really dead because I would love to see Aaron Eckhart continue to explore that role. Joker played him like a pawn, and I want to see him act more independently. Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal) was pretty good. I was blown away to see her role in the transition of the Two-Face character. This dark element in the film was only part of what sold me on Batman’s torment.

In the end, the picture seemed to last about 15 minutes too long. I’m not sure what I would have cut, though because the A.I. trick endings were very important. Get an extra large popcorn, and have a bathroom break before you go in. This is THE batman movie.

A Nightmare to wake up from

2008-07-11T08:42:00.005-04:00

Movie • WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE (part 7 in the series) • 1994
Ten years after the first one, after Freddy Krueger movies saturated the cinemascape of horror, Wes Craven decided to breath new life into his most famous character. This is the 7th in the series, but the first since the original to take itself so seriously it really paints itself as a Wes Craven diary entry:

Dear diary,
My Freddy Krueger franchise has made me rich beyond my dreams. I’ve exploited the character to his limits. Freddy Krueger is a household name. I feel now is the time to break the fourth wall down and try a new concept with him. We can rehash old scenes with several nods to my original masterpiece, A Nightmare On Elm Street. We’ll throw in a few references to some of my favorite scenes from the sequel too. It’ll be great. The audience will eat it up. I’ve run out of ideas, so this time I think we’ll use some of the actors from the original including the main character, Nancy. We’ll pretend they are these well-known actors who now have to face Freddy Krueger in real life!
We can have Robert Englund show up (I know he wants to be taken seriously as a real actor who can play other roles). We can rework Freddy Krueger’s make-up to look like a cheap Halloween mask. Less money on make-up = more money for profit! There’s no reason to bother having to fall asleep for Freddy to get you. This time we’ll use a creepy kid. He’ll be Freddy’s barrier. Creepy kids are scary, right? Right?
Gosh, I wish we could get Johnny Depp to reprise his role! Oooh, instead, I’ll play a part as Wes Craven myself. Now I’ll be well known for my good looks and acting ability as well as my films.
Sincerely,
Wes Craven

So there you have it. No reason for me to review it. It’s all right there in my pretend Wes Craven diary entry. It actually wasn’t terrible. It was fairly entertaining, but nothing more than a self-aggrandizing sequel.
I do agree with Wes on this: It would have been delicious if Johnny Depp could have reprised his role.

Carpenter nailed it

2008-07-10T11:20:00.006-04:00

Movie • THE THING • 1982
John Carpenter’s The Thing was based more on the original short story “Who Goes There” by John W. Campbell, Jr. than the 1951’s The Thing From Another World which was based on the same story. I recently read and reviewed the adaptation by Alan Dean Foster from the screenplay (click here). Though the details were significantly different, and I did like the book much more, the movie still stands up to the test of time. It’s not yet a cheesy 80’s horror/sci-fi movie, and probably never will be. The special effects are a bit much in their gross factor, and maybe we see too much too early, but they still look good.
Kurt Russell’s beautiful blue eyes called me to rewind several times. He was a dreamboat, wasn’t he? I wish he wasn’t wearing that bushy beard; but he had to keep his pretty face warm, I guess.

Extra bonus: All men in this movie.
Not so bonus: Only two are eye-candy.
Return to bonus: The two beautiful men are all that survive.
Not so bonus: They will either off each other or freeze to death, or both.

True to the screenplay we are left at the end with no doubt what the immediate future will bring. I was glad to remember (since I hadn’t seen this picture since the 80’s) that not all stories end with the US Army marching in to save the day.

Favorite movies POLL RESULTS

2008-07-08T19:28:00.003-04:00

What are your favorite movies?

29% • B Horror
24% • Classic Monsters
18% • Giant Monsters
10% • Cheesy Horror
8% • Slasher Gore
8% • None of these!

H. G. Well done

2008-07-07T09:05:00.004-04:00

Book • THE INVISIBLE MAN • H. G. Wells • 1897
The copy I have is from 1970, and it’s in pretty bad shape. It almost feels like a crime opening it, but I had to read this again. One of my favorite themes is invisibility. That brings me to the term invisible. I’m wondering if the title meant the same to a reader from 1897 as it does to today’s reader. To us The Invisible Man is obviously about a man who is there, but cannot be seen. It’s very likely that H. G. Wells was teasing the reader with the idea that the story was about a man who was not seen in public situations. Griffin was a man who kept to himself, and wanted to remain “invisible.”
Several chapters go by before Wells reveals the nature of Griffin’s secret. Even then, we are only exposed to hints, and it is left to us to decide what his words actually mean. At some point it becomes expected that you must have figured it out. At that point the invisible man is already on the road to insanity. For the modern reader, we all know the basic story, so the fact that he is more than transparent is clear before we crack the binding.
H. G. Wells does an amazing job bringing us into the mind of an obsessed man with a single goal. He’s reached his goal, but now sees that with the wish of being invisible comes restrictions that go beyond what he expected. Griffin is confused, betrayed and frustrated. The Invisible Man is a terribly sad story. I’m not sure if you are supposed to feel sorry for the man, but I certainly did. It’s an easy read that apparently was first published as a serial in a periodical before being collected as a novel.
If you haven’t read it yet you better get to it. It’s a must read no matter what kind of book you like. See for yourself!

Thing One and Thing Zero

2008-07-05T18:43:00.004-04:00

Book • THE THING • Alan Dean Foster • 1982
This is one of those books that has sat on my shelf for years. I've read it a couple of times, but I always seem to forget The Thing the novelization by Alan Dean Foster is based on a screenplay by Bill Lancaster which was in turn based on the story “Who Goes There” by John W. Campbell, Jr. I feel half ashamed, like what I read was not really a book at all. A novelization of a screenplay could be thought of as a printed version of scenes that have already been imagined for you. That’s why I’m glad my corpse brain can only remember for a short time. And, as luck would have it, novelizations usually come from the first draft. Screenplays go through re-writes and films get edited. The Thing by Alan Dean Foster is significantly different from the movie The Thing by John Carpenter. Insight into the thoughts of the characters is only the obvious benefit from reading the novelization.
The Thing is a great adventure exploring the minds of men, and a lesson on the effects of pressure and paranoia. Monsters and aliens from space always give me the heebie-jeebies. After all, these are not local residents from Dread Falls or members of Jitterbutter. These are creepy critters who can survive for hundreds of thousands of years entombed in ice waiting for the day they can invade your body on a cellular level… then break out of your body like it was nothing more than a cocoon.
What I’d really love to see is a prequel that depicts what the Norwegian scientists went through to get to the point where they were chasing down the sled dog. Needless to say, the Americans could have no idea that the dog was harboring a terrible alien inside. There’s so much mystery to the Norwegians’ story even though we know their end. How about it. Is somebody doing a prequel to The Thing?

The Vampire, Bill

2008-07-04T15:45:00.007-04:00

Book • DEAD UNTIL DARK• Charlaine Harris • 2001
At first I wasn’t sure what to make of Sookie Stockhouse and the vampire fellow named Bill, but despite recommendations against reading this novel I think I’ve found a series of books to read. I didn’t realize it was a series when I first picked it up, so I’m glad the story is not over.
Dead Until Dark explores vampires and their lives in a way that is much closer to the real life they lead than any of the pretentious series that try to introduce new laws into their lore. Vampires, just like people come in many shapes, sizes, and personalities. Just like people, they are not all killers. Just like people they have to deal with their peers. Vampirism deals with generations gaps beyond human mortal comprehension, and Charlaine Harris seems to understand that. Vampires can have remorse, and they can be cold as a corpse.
Dead Until Dark is a love story and a mystery that just happens to involve vampires. The progression of the characters’ relationships is believable and compelling. I highly recommend this book as a stand-alone. Give it a try. I’ll be picking up the next in the series when I get to the store again. Maybe I’ll just order it online. Everyone seems to freak out when they see an adorable little reanimated quilted corpse walking through the book store.

Dead Until Dark is also approved as a good book by my good friend, LilyBat (who happens to be a vampire).

PS. There is a great surprise that will come up so unexpectedly toward the end, I am anticipating the Sookie Stockhouse series to bowl me over every time.

Know what I mean, Verne?

2008-06-24T09:01:00.005-04:00

Movie • THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND • 1929
I’m not sure how closely the story resembles The Mysterious Island, the book it’s based on by Jules Verne, but this picture was a great endeavor for its time. It begins with spectacular matte painting of establishing shots set off the ocean. The movie was so visual, I almost didn’t notice that it’s mostly a silent film. They did manage to work in some dialog, though. It must have been an extra cost because sound was used sparingly.
The story takes a long time to get going. People must have had much more patience in 1929. After some time you will be rewarded with brilliant effects, miniatures and camera tricks. The sets and costumes had me believing in under-water baby sleestaks.
It was nice to see that in 1929 the damsel in distress was capable of taking the initiative in her own rescue. The story is very basic, but The Mysterious Island makes up for it in its amazing visuals. I’m not sure if the creatures the people meet are played by children or little people, but they didn’t have CGI, and there were what looked like thousands.
This is a must see classic. Now I have to go find the book to read Jules Vernes’ descriptions.

Fred Krueger is dreamy

2008-06-23T07:49:00.007-04:00

Movie • A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET • 1984
With such an unassuming title, you’d never expect this to turn into a franchise that spans the decades; but if you were around in the 80’s you’d have seen that Freddy Krueger would turn into a new generation monster with real staying power. I suppose Freddy Krueger will one day be as popular a reference as Frankenstein’s Monster.
His impact as a scary character are still there despite the bad 80’s keyboard music, and the over-done gravely voice. You decide whether the early glove-building montage is lent from action films or just a threat of what’s to come.
I admit I didn’t love this movie back in the day, but having not seen it for twenty-odd years or so has fermented it into a tasty vino. 1984 was a good year. A Nightmare On Elm Street as seen in the 80’s was 80’s garbage, but now I see it as classic. Funny what time does. Could have something to do with my ears. The ones I had back then were more cynical.
The opening credits include, “Introducing Johnny Depp.” I’m guessing he did something before that or they wouldn’t have been compelled to “introduce” him, but they certainly had great foresight! Johnny Depp would become a favorite for all of us. His dreamy eyes, and manly cheeks make me melt. His hair was a little poofy, and his clothes were boring, but we can blame that on costumes and make-up. We’ll blame cheesy writing for his poorly delivered lines. Boy was the teenage interaction awkward and contrived.
Watch for the scene when Nancy leaps from her window. She’s supposed to be landing in or behind some hedges, but the inflated stunt cushion is plain as day. She lands on it, and you see it pop up from behind the bushes. I had to laugh at that.
Aside from goofy awkward acting here and there, and a few film mistakes, I had a great time watching this movie again. The dream sequences were well thought-out, and cleverly executed. We’ve all seen ‘how they do it’ special effects shows, but the camera tricks in A Nightmare On Elm Street still measure up. See? We don’t need no stinkin’ CGI!

“1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you; 3, 4, better lock your door; 5, 6, grab a crucifix; 7, 8, better stay up late; 9, 10, never sleep again…”
That’s the only time they refer to Krueger as “Freddy.” The parents refer to the child-killer as Fred Krueger, and Fred Krueger is what is written inside his hat.

More incredible bunk

2008-06-22T14:44:00.009-04:00

Is this a Levis ad or movie poster?

Movie • THE INCREDIBLE HULK • 2008
I’m not the type to get on line early for too many pictures these days, so forgive me for this Hulk review so many days after the opening. I was not very impressed with the Ang Lee endeavor, so I didn’t put too much hope into the new movie starring the big, cute and angry monster.
To put it simply, improvement does not make this a good movie. I mean it was mildly entertaining, but the standard has dropped so far, we all think mediocrity is excellence. There were still some very awkward moments during the transformations from Bruce Banner into the Hulk. They looked better when they showed only hints of the change, but they got cocky, and tried full on bright light changes. Hulk bubbles? I always thought he grew evenly. He bubbled like he had giant maggots under his skin.
I can suspend my beliefs as well as the next movie fan, but how come tank missiles barely stun him, but knocking his head on the ceiling of a cave make him reach painfully for his bruised noggin saying, “Oooh,” (as in “ouchy”)? Liv Tyler was poorly cast here. Sorry. She was no Betty Ross. She should stick with roles where she doesn’t have to speak too much. And, Liv! Lay off the lip injections. It looks like allergies.
I was actually bothered by the lame cameos, and how awkwardly they were placed. The sequel implications bothered me too. The movie was peppered with them. Isn’t that a bit presumptuous considering the previous fiasco?
Abomination was crazy cool looking, but didn’t look like the comic character. He looked more like the alien/Ripley hybrid from Alien: Resurrection, but all grown up and stacked from taking too much HGH.
I can’t even complain that The Incredible Hulk was a testosterone frenzy because there wasn’t really that much action. I always thought I’d love a CGI Hulk because he would be so cute, but there were more scenes where he looked wrong than right. He looked good in the rain, but even Jurassic Park did better in sunlight. I’m going to stick with the old Lou Ferrigno Hulk. My heart was raised in the seventies along with at least one of my eyes.

Wolfen stinkin’

2008-06-19T12:13:00.004-04:00

Movie • WOLFEN • 1981
Based on the novel The Wolfen by Whitley Strieber. So, it wasn’t good enough for him to have a moving picture made from his book, he had to be abducted by aliens to sell more books? I’m not accusing. I’m just pointing out that it’s either an awful coincidence that a sci-fi/horror writer would face alien abduction, a horrifying experience; or Whitley Strieber had to be a genius in marketing. I bet it was an awful coincidence.
Well, on to the movie. Awful. Oops, there’s that word again. I’m okay with horror being done with wolves… sorry, wolfen; but seriously, it may have been better off werewolves (Please note the labels for this post include werewolves only for category purposes. Only wolves are in this picture). Sure, the werewolves in the city thing was done several times, but here was a chance to make them smart. Instead they are the leftover refugees from 300 years past when the North American native was driven back and wiped out… along with the wolfen. In case you haven’t picked it up, when I type one of these… I’m smirking, tilting my noggin, and thinking the words in a mocking tone.
So, the “wolfen” are protecting their hunting ground, which happens to be the South Bronx. They hunt our homeless, and diseased, and those who won’t be missed… because we all know they all live in the South Bronx. Give me a break. Talk about stereotypes. Want more stereotypes? Edward James Olmos, who looked deliciously fit you’d never recognize him played a native American Indian who danced around naked, acting like an animal after a night at the pub drinking with the tribal chiefs. Ridiculous.
There were a few corny moments that I admit I chuckled at. Eating chocolate chips in the morgue seemed distasteful, but it made my tummy grumble. There was a hot dog scene where one character was biting while the other was describing the dismemberment of, well… a member. Classy prop placement, mister director.
My advice. Stay away. You’ll be bored. You’re better off watching Ewok cartoons.

The house carries a morte gauge

2008-06-10T09:06:00.003-04:00

Movie • BURNT OFFERINGS • 1976
With a title like Burnt Offerings I expected Creme Brulee, and I was not disappointed. Truth be told, I’ve seen this movie three times now, and I still get a kick. I want to run around like a ranting raven to tell everyone to see it just for the Bette Davis character. Karen Black has certainly played better roles. but this seems to be Bette Davis hitting rock bottom. It really brings out the self-pity in the character… unless she was really that good! Burgess Meredith wasn’t bad either. He was so creepy. I never would have trusted him. Seems like he’s always a creepy character, even when he’s not supposed to be.
Auntie, mummy and daddy, and their little brat boy rent a remote mansion for the summer; but there’s a catch. They have to take care of the old woman on the top floor. She never comes out, and she doesn’t want to be bothered seeing people; so food must be left for her like a bowl of milk for a stray cat. Mom (Marian), played by Karen Black takes on this chore; and it seems she makes an odd connection to the woman and the house.
As most 70’s movies go, dad seems to devolve into a nasty, abusive man who can’t be trusted. That’s the great decoy. I wouldn’t want to spoil that further, so I’ll say no more than to look closely at the photo collection.
Is the house alive? I’m not sure, but it sure looks like a nice place to live. The place is good for spookies, and children are good for the place. Never did find out the burnt part of Burnt Offerings though.

Reading Vincent Price’s Diary

2008-06-09T10:15:00.002-04:00

Movie • DIARY OF A MADMAN • 1963
I don’t know much about “The Horla,” but it was apparently the inspiration for Diary of a Madman. The Horla by Guy de Maupassant is an 1887 short story written in the style of a journal. I wonder if the studio had to pay the estate of Maupassant for the rights since the premise is so similar?
In Diary of a Madman, a judge, played by Vincent Price acquires the urge to kill. The Horla is the urge, and is given a physical presence, though he cannot be seen. Vincent Price, as always does a remarkable job, but is it my imagination? Is he always a widower in his roles?
Classic horror and mystery fans alone should watch this picture. Anyone else would feel like they are wasting their time. I hate to put it that way, but it has to be said. Most modern fans would think it was silly, but not campy enough to enjoy for that value. The costumes and sets take themselves seriously enough, but there is the sense of a stage. Set details were superb, but bullocks, if I didn't snap out of it when the did a close-up of a trial testament title written in felt-tip marker, and the body written in ball-point pen. Mind you, this was supposed to be in the 1800’s.
I seem to remember seeing this picture a long time ago, but lucky for me, my memory is poor due to slow decomposition, so I can enjoy the same film over and over. The story is relatively simple, so I won’t go into too many details on the plot. There was less murder than I expected, but then again with modern day Sweeney Todd type gore, I’ve become jaded. I was still pleasantly shocked with death of a central character, and the way it was handled. Even more so with the way in which the “evidence” was disposed. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson’s Joker, murder is an art; and indeed he was right.

Tarsem shows’em

2008-06-07T23:01:00.007-04:00

Movie • THE FALL • 2008
Edited Monday, June 9. See Below***
I’m a fan of pictures. Moving pictures move me. It’s my favorite thing aside from a moist, creamy chocolate brownie with mint chocolate chip ice cream on top. That’s why I have to take a step aside and tell you about a movie that doesn’t necessarily fit snuggly with the other movies I like to tell you about. This picture may not be only the best film of 2008. I nominate the Tarsem film The Fall as a top ten picture of all time! It’s today’s Wizard of Oz.
I went to the Sunshine Cinema Landmark Theater in NYC Friday evening to see The Fall directed by Tarsem, the same visual artist who spewed out The Cell with Jennifer Lopez. I now see that the Cell was a Hollywood monstrosity puppet show with studio execs pulling all the strings. The Fall is obviously the comeback. It’s Tarsem’s return with a vengeance.
We begin in Los Angeles in the 1920s or so. A little immigrant girl named Alexandria is in the hospital recovering from a tumble. She befriends a young man named Roy Walker who is bed-bound. The two hit it off far too easily — almost in child-like fashion, and it seems believable until you understand the true reason for their friendship. Roy, played by Lee Pace spends days telling a long-winded, made up tale of adventure to Alexandria, magnificently played by Catinca Untaru. I’m not even sure I can believe she was really acting. She was far too convincing in all her nuances and gestures. The adult actors around her must have done a lot of ad-libbing to play off her adorable role. If not, she must win the oscar for best actress. I don’t care if she’s still just a tot.
Roy’s fairy tale of Indians, pirates, and adventurers is masterfully presented to us through the imagination of Alexandria. She places the people she sees every day in the roles of the avengers who seek to bring down the evil Governor Odious. What Roy is telling is not always what Alexandria sees, and we get to witness her worldly perceptions illustrating what slowly progresses into a self-realization for both of them.
If you have an appreciation for cinema, The Fall will have you spinning. What the film is really about will not be divulged to you until each of the two main characters realize what they’ve really been doing while getting to know each other. We are left with an ending that leaves us guessing if we are being told the truth, and I love it for that very reason. I cried for three reasons at the end, and I never even thought about the third before. I’m so happy that I’ve had another chance to see the world through an innocent child’s eyes. I’m not really sure where my eyes are from.
Perhaps I’ll return to this review in the future and say more, but for now let me just say that there is an element to early film I never had an appreciation for, and now I feel guilty for that neglect. I realize now that film is the metaphor for the points of view we are witness to throughout our lives. My inner child will forever believe that film makes us immortal. That and a good shot of electricity from a Tesla coil ;)

***Here is something that was a splendid surprise. At the end of The Fall I stayed to watch the credits as I always do (this is an important step to being a true fan of pictures). I noticed the credit for titles going to Stephan Bucher. You may notice his link to the right for his Daily Monster. <<< click there if you don’t see it. As a blog friend I had to email him to ask, and indeed it was him. It’s either a small world or true synchronicity (why does spell check still not like that word?). He was the same Stefan Bucher! So many of you have found me through a link on his site I feel it’s the least I can do to ask you to take a look-see at his work.
His design. Fun!
His Daily Monster (highly recommended).
His typography work on The Fall. You can also read Stefan’s synopsis of the story here. He reveals a little more than I wanted to in my review, so be careful. There are slight spoilers.

Thanks again to Stefan and all the hits from his monster friends!

NOT A MOVIE REVIEW

2008-06-06T15:49:00.003-04:00

Ooooooooh, guess what!!! I’m running a secret monster club. JITTERBUTTER™ has accepted LilyBat, Betty Bones, and reluctantly, DeMonica. Hopefully the cheeky little monkey behaves.
We’ll be meeting secretly to discuss pride in our monster heritage. Probably, we’ll pig out on Eel Pie and Brain Cookies. It’s the only secret monster club that I know of, so if you want to join just knock me up. You don’t even have to be a resident of Dread Falls.

Aaaaand, I’m in a portrait on deviantArt. It’d be smashing if you would go there and buy a print! If I was only so lollipopular ;)

Clickity click for my portrait.
Also, the other Jitterbutter girl monsters are there. Clickity for them!

We’ve all had sniffles, so I’ve been watching lots of flicks, but haven’t had a chance to write reviews. I haven’t been totally skyvin’ though. My pile of notes should keep me busy, so I’ll write my next review ASAP, and be back to regular posting as well.

Hugs and grrrowls!
Abby Cadaver

Silent, but deadly

2008-05-27T19:49:00.003-04:00

Movie • HÄXAN • 1922
Blown away. I wasn’t sure if this picture was going to be an exclusive film buff fave or enjoyable by anyone. Now I know better. Haxan is a must see. It’s entertaining enough to keep the interest of anyone who needs to be fooled into watching something educational. Though Haxan means witch, witches should not be considered to be ‘monsters’ while in fact this is a monster movie. The monsters are the inquisition of men who tortured and burned accused witches.
“The Witch” is told in seven parts, each giving more insight into the portrayal, treatment, and history of witches and accused witches through the ages. Part I was a 15 minute lesson on the history of our relationship with the universe around us. I was drawn in immediately with the superb sets and models used to illustrate the subtitles.
Not knowing what the intent of the director had been, I was confused with the portrayal of the witches. I had earlier figured this film to be a lesson in our absurdity for our foolish beliefs. The tone of the subtitles implied how ridiculous some of the customs regarding witches were. It seems to me these men of power planted the seeds to nurture rumors and bizarre superstitions into the thorny vines of accusation. They sure “knew” a lot about how witches went about doing their nasty deeds. Boiling cat feces and dove hearts by moonlight would certainly soften anyone’s heart (while nauseating them because you put a drop in their drink). I don’t see how this would be a love potion, and I think that was the point.
I imagined those seeing this silent moving picture when it was first released as a generation of somewhat enlightened populace. Maybe they needed the nudge of this film as pier pressure to show them the ridiculous nature of their ancestors’ folly.
See Haxan for the documentary value, but don’t miss the amazing costume designs and effects. There is a particular stop-motion scene involving coins that will have you doing back flips. Benjamin Christensen certainly understood the bounds of his medium, and he stretched them like taffy.
Most impressive was the segment describing the functions of some torture devises. Near the end of this, Benjamin Christensen allows one of his actresses the honor of experiencing one for herself upon her insistence.
This Reveue de Jitters is dedicated to the over 8 million accused witches who were needlessly murdered in a holocaust that lasted for centuries.

Santo vs. las mujeres vampiro

2008-05-26T20:33:00.006-04:00

Movie • SAMSON vs. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN (aka: Santo vs. las mujeres vampiro) • 1961
Samson, or Santo as the fans cheer his name (the movie is dubbed in English, but the crowd still cheers in Spanish) is a masked wrestler in Mexico. I never heard of him before, but I learned he did a Frankenstein movie too. I’m going to have to look that one up. I found this one on the local college television station for CUNY (The City University of New York). Searching the internet, I found out Samson vs The Vampire Women is available on a DVD with a few other movies as a bargain DVD. That was a relief because when I heard the sound quality and saw the reel changes were so evident and choppy I was afraid they might have broadcast it from film. You never know how old college equipment is. At least the movie has been digitized if not restored. It’s an antique worth seeing.
The opening has us in a mausoleum for a group of vampire women and their wrestler bodyguards. They awaken after 200 years of slumber, and crikey, do they look like they still need rest. They went with pancake batter makeup for the dried mummy look. It was so creepy I should have watched it for breakfast. Unlike the old Universal films, they didn’t try to sex up the monsters… that is until they were able to get some blood and face cream. Suddenly, with poor transition, these hideous women with 200 year bed-head looked like Greek goddesses with fangs.
The vampire women need to collect their queen’s successor, a descendant from a past queen. They intend to let her rule the vampire women, but daddy won’t have it. If you ask me, she missed out on a great opportunity. The queen of the darned, my good friend LilyBat would have jumped at the chance.
If you are a fan of modern entertainment wrestling, there are several treats. I had no idea how much wrestling has not changed in the past 50 years! It’s basically the same. Tag team cheaters, fake punches, loud drops to the mat, and so on. I suppose the question of who Santo was must have been as mysterious as the Lone Ranger or Batman, so they had a scene where he was about to be unmasked. Oooooh, the drama! For whatever reason, though Santo fights for justice in public, he still fights in the ring for cheers and belts. Also, for whatever reason, one of the vampire bodyguards takes the place of Santo’s opponent, and fights him in the ring. Santo ends up turning the tables, and unmasking his foe who, again, for whatever reason looks like a werewolf when the mask comes off. I guess it was for dramatic effect but bullocks, they should have just made him look like a bat or something… oh, wait. Was that supposed to be a bat face?
All said, this was a fun picture to watch — right down to the vampire goons running with their arms spread and holding their capes like kiddies pretending to fly. I was a little miffed at the end with the way he did away with the vampires. All they wanted was their queen, and they were treated like vermin. I almost lost my eel pie. Well, butter sticks, it was still too much fun to miss!

Back to back brilliance

2008-05-21T11:28:00.011-04:00

Movies (Double Feature) • GRINDHOUSE • PLANET TERROR / DEATH PROOF • 2007
It was important to me that I review these movies together because the mood of the the two films together along with the fake trailers is part of the art. Quentin Tarantino has explained that it’s about the experience of the grindhouse double feature that he was raised on. I’m a television buff, so it was an entertaining and educating experience to know why these films were put together this way. Truth be told, I’ve seen Death Proof as a stand alone as well; and though I still loved it, there was no comparison to seeing the two together in the theater last year. Watching them together again for only the second time on cable, I was smashed! This double feature is a box of Raisinets sprinkled in your buttery popcorn.
Robert Rodriguez (Planet Terror) and Quentin Tarantino (Death Proof) team up well, and though the movies have very little in common aside from a few nods to each other using the same actors and similar characters, they work together like ice cream on cake. The formula is à la mode, and I hope we see this team-up again.
Be ready for some serious splatter gore that goes way over the top in Planet Terror. I got super thirsty when those watermelons were exploding all over the place. I was suddenly in the mood to open a can of cherry-pie filling too. Rose McGowan is absolutely brill in her portrayal of the go-go dancing stand up comedian, Cherry Darling. Her quivering lips and teary face at the end of the opening credits were straight out of exploitation films of the 70’s. She played in both films, with completely different roles, and convinced me in both the lost heroine who faces adversity, and the blond girly-girl who faces the dashboard.
Kudos th Stacy Ferguson (Fergie) too. I wasn’t sure what to expect from her presence originally; but her short screen time along with what I am sure was excellent direction gave her the opportunity to shine.
The soundtracks were appropriately balanced. My favorite part to note was the section in Planet Terror where our old friend Kyle Reese from The Terminator (Michael Biehn) shows up as the sheriff. The music turns reminiscent of the 80’s synthesizer music we hear in the original Terminator movie, and similar sci-fi/action movies of the time. It was a better nod than the typical Wilhelm Scream. The other note (and I always love QT’s soundtrack compilations of buried treasures) is the scripted mention of a great song to close your eyes to and swing your head (perfect for crashing your car). The song, Hold Tight by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Titch (get it right) was that momentous scene and song combination that Quentin Tarantino is famous for.
The girl power theme in Death Proof was unmistakable. You’ll get choked up after the thrills and kills when vengeance pays a visit. I was introduced to several new heroines to idolize. Not to take away from the perfection of Rosario Dawson and her excellent delivery of all QT’s lines (and that her character’s name was Abernathy), but Rose McGowan, of course, is the most famous. That’s why I was happy to see QT wasn’t afraid to make fun of her a bit. Pay close attention to the scene when she’s “driven home.” There will be a close up of the duck hood ornament on Stuntman Mike’s car. Immediately afterward we see a comparison of McGowan’s scrunched ski-slope nose. It was especially cute.
This review has gone on too long. I hope it’s somewhat cohesive. Last thing: Don’t watch these pictures without the trailers. You would hate to miss teasers for Machete, Werewolf Women of the SS (a fake film by Rob Zombie), Thanksgiving, and Don’t. Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t!

PS. Who is Chris Simonson, and is he another one of those Waiting for Godot references?

Punch knocked me out

2008-05-19T08:41:00.005-04:00

The pic above looks like Betty Bones.

Movie • DOLLS • 1987

I admit I went into this with a notion that it would be really bad. Probably if I had seen it when it was first released I would have laughed all the way home. I didn’t have an appreciation for 80’s horror in the 80’s — or at least very little of it impressed me.
But like time healing wounds, years can make bad movies good. The thing is Dolls was actually pretty good… in a fun way. Not in an award winning way.
A horrible pop and a terrible step-mummie are driving through England on holiday, reluctantly toting the dad’s daughter along. If you don’t love the opening scene with the ferocious Teddy then you may as well watch something else. Teddy was adorable!
The family gets stuck in the mud and head for the conveniently located mansion for cover from the storm. A cheeky Madonna wannabe punk and her crony also intrude along with their hitcher-picker-upper. The gracious ancient couple who live in the mansion have ulterior motives, of course — as do the faux punks. They’re sticking around to nick a wallet, and swipe some anti-cues. That’s antiques for the rest of us.
It takes a while for a good scene to show up after Teddy, but I squealed every time the dolls did their thing. This picture was a wonderful surprise, so don’t be afraid of the dark — be afraid of what’s in the dark. At night toys come to life, but you have nothing to fear if you are a child at heart. Toys are loyal, and that’s a fact.

PS. Now I get it! The little tot’s name was Judy, and the old man gave her a doll named Punch. Punch & Judy!

The brother is Grimly

2008-05-18T15:40:00.005-04:00

Book • WICKED NURSERY RHYMES • Gris Grimly • 2003
Another book I found at the 2008 NYC ComiCon at the Baby Tattoo Books booth. I’ve been a fan of Gris Grimly’s art for some time now, so I feel ashamed I missed this one. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Grimly’s art is ink and watercolor with a style all its own. The sticky figures are like haunted doll creatures from the pages of a 200 year old children’s book. The lighting and muted color bring a certain mood that draws you into the Grimly’s world. Once there, you’ll never want to leave. Delicious!
In Wicked Nursery Rhymes, Gris Grimly revisits familiar places, and tells the stories of old nursery rhymes from a new perspective. Jack and Jill was particularly clever.
If you like the art of Jhonen Vasquez, Tim Burton and Edward Gorey you will absolutely adore Gris Grimly! He is fave of mine, and I want to squeeze him to death.

Ragnar got my heart

2008-05-16T16:36:00.005-04:00

Book • GOT YOUR NOSE! • Brandon Ragnar Johnson • 2004
This was one of the books I found at the 2008 NYC ComiCon at the Baby Tattoo Books booth. I mentioned in that blog entry that I’d be telling you about some of those books, and it’s about time I got started.
Ragnar is an artist who has talent for yummy images. Got Your Nose is a tale of two brothers named Horace and Borris. Horace is good and Borris is bad — so bad, in fact, that he finds it necessary to snag his schnoz. What follows are the antics of the brothers with Borris’ tricks, and Horace’s attempts to recover his nose.
The playful scenarios are the perfect premises for Ragnar’s wonderful art. The simple colors evoke a world where expression moves the pages, and animates the still pictures. Borris is particularly handsome. I’m absolutely convinced that LilyBat has a crush on him.
Got Your Nose is good for all ages. There’s nothing in it that would scare mummies and pops away.

Witch way to the exit?

2008-05-12T09:16:00.008-04:00

Movie • THE COVENANT • 2006
I must apologize for the string of bad movies I’ve reviewed recently. I blame the programming on cable these days. I’m going to have to hit my DVD collection if I really want to tell you about great movies. Contemporary horror is lackluster, and uninspired. Not enough camp goes unintentionally into monsters these days.
Okay, so this one was eye candy at least. The effects were superb, but it was again, just a visual thing. No great story here; and the only thing to have fun with was the Real World cast of beauties and hams.
The Covenant started of with promising music during the opening credits. Rob Zombie always gets my interest. And here is where you find the good spider coming out of the body scene. Much better than the one mentioned in my Urban Legends: Bloody Mary review. The constant moody weather was contrived, and predictable. How do these kids get so tan when the weather is always so bad?
The families of Ipswich formed a covenant years ago, and kept a silent pact to hide their magic abilities. The “Sons of Ipswich” are not witches, they are practically Jedi Knights in their abilities. It’s way over the top. Very The Lost Boys. Hey, by the way — can we come up with a better word that “darkling” for the baddies?
If you can’t stand a second of this picture, just sit through the Thelma & Louise - Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang scene so you have something you can really complain about.

Thrilling cheese of terror too!

2008-05-11T10:39:00.005-04:00

Movie • TRILOGY OF TERROR II • 1996
A woman appears in three different horror tales that play more like Twilight Zone or Creepshow episodes. Maybe even Tales From the Crypt

1 The Graveyard Rats
In the first, the cheesy Lifetime style character interaction can make you want to turn it off, but it's worth seeing through to the end. You’d think the “monster” is the crotchety old man since he is a real meanie, but instead it's large, creepy rats with cute red eyes. I won’t tell you how it comes to that point, but you'll love to see the demise of the last character alive in this one. Death scenes can be really yummy sometimes.

2 Bobby
The music struck me in this one. Very 70s television terror sounding. I knew when the mommy was demanding “Return my son who drowned by accident!” in a personally prepared, but professional looking ritual that he was not going to be Howie Mandel’s Bobby. What contrived writing. I love it! The acting in this episode is even more over the top than the first one, but somehow Bobby manages to seem creeptacular and scary. The ending isn’t so twisted, because you suspect something’s up all along; but you won't expect what flavor of cheese it is.

3 He Who Kills
Based on the Zuni Doll from the short story “Prey” by Richard Matheson (possibly best known for “I am Legend” which was adapted to Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price).
What begins like an episode of Miami Vice finishes like a retelling of Puppet Master. The Zuni doll houses the spirit of a warrior from an extinct tribe of African cannibals. His spirit might be full of vinegar, but this doll is the most handsome creature I've seen in a long time. He may have sounded like Animal from the Muppets, but he had the murderous energy of a Tiki with a blender for a heart.

I shrink, therefore I am

2008-05-05T08:51:00.006-04:00

Book • THE (Incredible) SHRINKING MAN • 1956
The original Richard Matheson book was printed in 1956, and titled The Shrinking Man. It was then adapted for film in 1957. Most reprints were subsequently called The Incredible Shrinking Man. The copy I read was from TOR books, and had some extra short stories in the back. Do yourself a favor. If you read any Richard Matheson books, get one with some short stories in the back. You won’t be disappointed, and you’ll see that he’s written a lot of the stories you know already.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen this picture, so I thought I should adore the book. Richard Matheson is one of my favorite authors, so it’s a wonder I never read it before. I devoured each page like a spring fruit torte, and I didn’t share a single slice.
Matheson’s talent for story telling keeps you in the moment through the entire book. The main character, Scott describes his predicament with such detail you believe Matheson has experienced shrinking himself. And not just physical details. The book is so engrossing because he pulls you in so well by showing you how shrinking affects Scott emotionally and egotistically. The behavior of the people around him changes due to his changing stature. It’s only normal that your daughter would treat you like a doll if you were that size. It makes sense that a couple’s love-life would suffer, that bullies would treat you like a freak.
This book will remain on the front of my shelf so I will remember to read it again. I can’t remember how the movie ends, but I was completely satisfied with the book’s ending. I wouldn’t want to spoil it, but suffice it to say you choose whether it was a happy ending or not.
Go ahead and shrink into your favorite cozy space. You won’t get up until you’ve finished the whole thing.

Stinky Mothra balls

2008-05-03T11:01:00.005-04:00

Movie • REBIRTH OF MOTHRA III • 1998
The title alone lets you know you are in for a two hour commercial for plush Mothra toys. You really have to be a TOHO Pictures fan, and even then, you have to specifically like what they have done long after the 1970s. Even the original Mothra song was better when it was a tribal island song with a drum beat. Now it's a world music pop song that takes itself way too seriously. Crikey!
And what happened to the tiny twins? Now it's three fairy chicks, one who looks like an evil Lily Tomlin, and two who ride a dove-sized moth named, wait for it… Fairy. They even fight with swords. Their costumes look like they're from the Japanese Ice Capades.
Thank goodness King Ghidorah comes along to steal all the children (and the show). He’s looking really spiffy with his new buck racks. But can someone tell me how many different origins this golden three-headed dragon has? It seems he works for every evil alien race, comes from a number of different planets, and always comes back to earth looking for trouble. Can’t he bother some other peaceful planet?
Mothra, now a time traveling giant moth with electric eyes that shoot assorted beams of power goes back 130 million years to fight a younger, slimmer version of King Ghidorah. Think it sounds a bit like The Terminator? Mothra even looks like a T-3000 model Mothinator when she's in transit!
Mothra seems to fair no better at kicking King Ghidorah’s butt in prehistoric time when dinosaurs are made of clay. She should just say, “uncle,” and call it a movie. Thank goodness for her ancestors’ magic silly string. Mothra is reborn 130 million years later in present day to defeat King Ghidorah once and for all… or at least until Rebirth of Mothra IV.
Sadly, I loved the original character from Godzilla. Like a moth to a flame it would have been better to burn out than fade away.

The beast of shallow plotlines

2008-05-02T11:32:00.003-04:00

Movie • THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN • 1956
There is a weird educational film narration that you get in the beginning of this picture. Then it goes south. Literally.
You better like westerns, or better yet south westerns before you consider spending an hour watching this film before you ever get a glimpse of the beast. I'm not talking about tension build up either. They hardly spend a few minutes letting you know that there is a beast to worry about. More time and dialogue is spent building up the tension between the Americano rancher, Jimmy and partner, Filipe versus the black market rancher, Enrique than telling the story of the beast.
If you can get past stereotyped characters like Pancho the drunk and his son Panchito, you might be able to swallow the love connection between Enrique's girlfriend and Jimmy, the Americano rancher, but why are we fusing two different genres that don't match?
Eventually you get to see the beast. The effects are not stellar or award-winning, but I did notice a few moments where the film projected live action synched well with the stop motion animation of the tyrannosaurus. Yep, the beast is just a tyrannosaurus rex with a Gene Simmons tongue and a bloody lip. Ever see Land of the Lost? This guy must have been left over from their model closet. Add a little red paint and a few cattle corpses, and you've got The Beast of Hollow Mountain. Good for a goof.
Bring your own sweets. Just because it's black and white, doesn’t mean it’s a cookie.

I know what you did 30 years ago

2008-05-01T10:26:00.006-04:00

Movie • URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY • 2005
Haven’t these urban legends all been put to film already? I don’t wnt to review any more bad movies, but here goes:
If you are going to nick scenes from movies that have been done, then crikey, don’t do them poorly! The spiders under the skin scene, the tanning bed death — they were already done better. These scenes were already done. Why try it again with FX interns and no budget?
A few things I noticed that might catch your fancy were these: The funny scene in class when the science teacher is talking about gorillas, the edit goes to one of the jocks in class. The timing was perfect, and made me snicker. The other is the blatant Scooby Doo hippie van when the picture turns into a wh0-dunnit mystery adventure looking for clues. And finally, early on there is a mention of Candyman. I’m not sure if it was a shameless plug or a dig on the series.
Avoid this pooh at all costs. You won’t have to face the atrocious Grudge/Ringu/Exorcist visual references.

Bloody dozy, bloody dozy, bloody dozy

2008-04-30T11:08:00.009-04:00

Movie • DEAD MARY • 2007
Watching this movie made me feel like muckitypoo. It was bloody bad. Time for nappy-naps. The twisted tension between the characters never makes sense despite their ability to spell out the characters within the first twenty minutes. You get everyone’s story, and it’s all so borey. I think the movie was supposed to be a metaphor for the depressing monotony of life.
Just like a cliché horror slasher Blair Witch flavored teen angst crumb bucket, this picture uses all the ingredients popular with producers. Apparently the old urban legend of Bloody Mary is too dull, so these camping characters assert that Bloody Mary is the “lame version” of Dead Mary. So, say “Dead Mary” three times in a mirror when you are alone, and you’ll be bored to death.
The only saving grace I found — and I’m not even certain it’s not just a seed for a trash sequel — was the character of Ted. He’s mentioned several times, but never shows up. I’m hoping they were meaning to draw a connection to Waiting for Godot, and leaving the characters to dwell in dismal uncertainty. Nah, they couldn’t be so clever. Skip this one; and if there’s a sequel, just throw it back at the mirror and hope for seven years of bad luck. You’ll have a better time of it.

Ruby’s ghost tale is a gem

2008-04-29T15:21:00.004-04:00

Book • LILY’S GHOSTS • Laura Ruby • 2003
I was perusing the kids’ section at my local mom & pop bookstore and found this prize amongst the crème de la crème. It’s actually for mature young readers, but all-ages enjoyable.
Not to be confused with our good friend, LilyBat the vampire girl, Lily is a young girl who lives with her mom. Always on the move, they’ve settled in at Lily’s uncle’s house on the tiptoe of New Jersey in Cape May. Lily makes friends, living and dead fairly quickly, but there is a mystery to solve. Every good ghost story involves a mystery, but we get to have a run-in with a pirate’s ghost and his treasure too - crikey!
Yo-ho, scallywags! This young adult book doesn’t treat you like a baby, so prepare for real family issues and problems that aren’t diluted or ignored. Single mothers and their daughters have real feelings. So do local misfit boys and ghosts.
It gets a little far-fetched at the end. I’m not talking about ghostly happenings, though. We all know that’s real. I was just a little amused by the motivations of some of the characters. Don’t worry, it didn’t do me head in thinking about it. Get your claws on a copy of this book!

In the aisle for the macabre bibliophile

2008-04-24T10:00:00.015-04:00

Christina Maxwell representing Baby Tattoo Books for Bob Self.

Books • Publisher • BABY TATTOO BOOKS • babytattoo.com
Another great find at ComicCon this week was Baby Tattoo Books. The brain managing the publishing soma was a man named, Bob. He demonstrates a terrific energy and passion for the dreadfully delicious art he publishes. When someone is doing what they love, you can tell because the work is always preeminent and appealing. And brill as a whippoorwill.
While LilyBat took DeMonica off to lunch, Betty Bones and I devoured all the smashing volumes at this booth, and found so many great books! You can bet your knickers I'll be reviewing the long ton I bought there. How I wish I found the booth later in the day, though. They’re still sewing my shoulder back on.
You can see the Baby Tattoo blog here for information on upcoming books and events.

Unidentified work by Viktor Koen from forthcoming Baby Tattoo book.

Beware the cursed bear

2008-04-23T08:29:00.005-04:00

Toys • SWEARBEAR • swearbear.com
Censorship alert! LilyBat and I met a boy named Aaron at ComiCon in NYC this weekend. He makes bears that swear at you! They’re so sweet and cheeky! I can’t say any of the words they say, or my tongue might fall out. Butter sticks! You just have to see them! There are several generations of plush, vinyl, and mini Swear Bears. He even has T-shirts with the vulgar little buggers.
We bought one of the vinyl Swear Bears from the picture above. The skelly bear second from the top left. Betty Bones squealed when she saw it, so we gave it to her. I’m sure DeMonica would have loved the Devil bear on the bottom left, but she’s been a bit bratty lately.
If you visit the site, please say hi from the GirlMonsters, and definitely buy one of those delicious little insulting bears.

Boogily boy artist

2008-04-22T12:28:00.007-04:00

Website, Toys, Art • GUS FINK'S BOOGILY HEADS • gusfink.com • boogilyheads.com
Where to start with this boy??? I went to ComiCon in NYC with the rest of the girls this past weekend. What jolly old time we had! We met lots of smashing artists, and bought so many books and toys my shoulder fell off!
Gus Fink was one of the artists we fell in love with. His Boogily Heads were brilliant! He makes the cutest little bobble heads you ever did see (and he was a cutie-pie as well ;) - He also makes some delicious looking plush monsters. I wanted to eat them up, nom nom nom!
I bought four of his Boogilies because of budget constraints, but I wish I had the guts to nick a few more. Go buy some at boogilyheads.com or look at his amazing art at gusfink.com. Tell him Abby Cadaver said hi! I think DeMonica has a crush on him, but she’s a cheeky monkey, and I called dibs anyway.
I'll review some more pictures next week because I’m rattling on about what I saw at ComiCon for the rest of this week.

Frankenstein power activate! Form of astronaut!

2008-04-16T10:03:00.007-04:00

Movie • FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE SPACEMONSTER • 1965

What a relief! I’ve watched too many modern humdrum horrors lately. The silly billies who put this movie together should get an award. The Play-Doh make-up, poorly integrated stock NASA and military footage, and the ridiculous costumes come together like a yummy fruit tort. I devoured it in one big bite.
Okay, so Frankenstein isn’t the Franky we all know and love. His name’s been exploited since the success of Universal’s Frankenstein. This guy is more like a zombie-android astronaut built like a public relations Steve Austin who turns dumb after he blows a circuit. At one point when he becomes injured he reminded me of Jason Voorhees. And the monster he meets isn’t until the very end.
It all wraps up nicely, but the real present is the meat in the sandwich. These characters are hilarious! Sit down on a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon when no one likes to be outside; and enjoy Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster with friends. You’ll have tons to make fun of. My favorite character was Dr. Nadir, played by Lou Cuttel. He looks and sounds like Jon Lovitz. I kept expecting him to say, “It stinks!”
I need this soundtrack. If anyone knows where I can get my hands on it, please let me know in the comments.

Lou Cuttel as Dr. Nadir looks and sounds like Jon Lovitz.

I want your skulls, I need your skulls

2008-04-15T12:45:00.006-04:00

Website • SKULL-A-DAY • skulladay.blogspot.com
My friend Betty Bones told me about this site, and I love it. I had to share it with you. For the record, the above rating is my highest rating, and this is the first time I’ve given out five wide open eyeballs!
I really admire Skull-A-Day’s ability to show the beauty most people don’t see in what they consider to be the grotesque. He puts up a fabulous new skull image every day! They are all so creative and artistic. Bravo. I only wish I found it sooner. He’s only doing it for a year, and the year is almost up already. Maybe you can contact him to convince him to continue!
It’s also up for a Webby Award, so show some love, and vote!

Her today, gone Tamara

2008-04-14T19:20:00.008-04:00

Movie • TAMARA • 2005
For the record, the above graphic is my worst rating. I think I need to make a new one with all five eyes completely closed, dried up, and sewn shut. I don’t usually lose my appetite when I watch my scary movies, but Tamara made me want to wretch… and it wasn't the particular scene where she used her powers to make a girl chuck her dessert. The only kudos I extend for this movie are for the fact that they actually had me hoping for a particular death scene, and they yanked it away from me. It may have been a first. Fast forward through to see it. Hint: It almost had me wishing for smelevision. It would have smelled delicious!
Okay, to start… what’s with all the dead student returns for revenge themes? They are filling my DVR like factory-made cannoli cream. Second… I don’t understand why witchcraft is represented as evil way too often. Third… If you ask me, aside from acting like a floozy in the second half of her duality role, she deserved revenge for how she was treated. But they always have to toss in a true-love moment that saves those that have any good in them. Boring.
Bah! Why am I even spending time writing this. Tamara was a bad movie, and I wasted enough time. Bad gore. Boring premise. I need to watch a good, silly black & white monster movie to get the taste out of my mouth.
PS Believe it or not it was really me, Abby Cadaver who wrote this, not LilyBat. But I’m sure she’ll agree.

Alice in Murderland

2008-04-13T19:26:00.007-04:00

Movie • ALICE, SWEET ALICE • 1977

It’s one of those religious themed scary movies form the 70’s. There are no monsters in this movie, but Paula Sheppard who plays Alice sure pulls off the scary little girl so well, I am still haunted by her face. It should be noted that a little known Brooke Shields was in this as Alice’s little sister, but it’s no spoiler to say she dies very early on. I’m disheartened to see that some DVD covers give her name top billing when her role lasts about as long as a Lemon Meringue Pie at a hungry crone tea party. Trust me – she’s not the reason to see this. Paula Sheppard is.
Oh, and get ready for the creepiest landlord you’ll ever witness. Played by Alphonso DeNoble, he steps out of a Rob Zombie movie then gets into a time machine, and steals the show in Alice, Sweet Alice. I was rooting for Alice to put the creepy landlord out of his misery.
If you know me, you know I love everybody, but I think I hated everyone in this movie. I also wanted Alice to cook the goose of everyone from her naggy Aunt Annie to the old lady, Mrs. Tredoni.
The blame is laid out so carefully that you just know there has to be a better explanation for all we witness. Of course there is, but you’ll have to see it yourself. I was slightly impressed, and fooled only a bit.

As a bonus, keep your eyes out for the delicious chocolate cake Alice gives to Mr. Alfonso after her sister’s funeral. And for all you “I spy” players, take a look at the priest, and tell me he doesn’t look like Seth McFarland. Now I want to give confession to Brian the dog.

Paula Sheppard as Alice Spages.

TOHO massacres Frankenstein

2008-04-12T11:35:00.006-04:00

Movie • FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD • 1965
This wasn’t as good as I remembered. There was a time when giant monster movies were all the rage, and everyone was trying to capitalize on the successes of Godzilla and King Kong including TOHO themselves. This is one of those efforts that clearly failed. It’s another movie warning of the dangers of fiddling with atomic bombs, but they twist it up like a churro with warnings of nazis and cloning. A lot is implied, but very little is explained. The writers, and thus the characters jump to all sorts of conclusions.
There is a contrived battle with the giant monster, Baragon that ends so poorly, I wondered how much time they had to write this. It’s as if they realized they created a seriously lame character in this giant Frankenstein boy, and figured they’d flush it down the toilet before it got too big to feed.
The acting is fun and over-the-top the way it should be, but the movie itself doesn’t come together. Definitely see it if you are into the goofball side of giant monster movies, but don’t expect it to be as much fun as a genuine Godzilla movie.

Rest your scary head

2008-04-11T10:11:00.006-04:00

Website • SEW SCARY • sewscary.com
I found the unique work of this independent artist who has an appreciation for monsters and the spooky side of things. Her crafty items caught my eye (don’t worry, I got it back and popped it in again; but I kept the pin). She uses pin-up style devil-girl and Frankenstein’s monster themes. Check out her pillows and quilts. Much nicer than some silly country themed floral wagon wheel picture. Stop by, and let her know Abby Cadaver sent you.

Queen of Wands, that’s good Tarot

2008-04-09T11:47:00.007-04:00

Website • THE HOUSEWIVES TAROT • housewivestarot.com
I stumbled upon this a few days ago, and sat on it to decide whether it was worth mentioning. Then I went there again, and wondered what I was waiting for. I could look at my future, contemplate my present, and study my past forever! Click on the “Tarot Reading” tab to try the cards. You won’t be able to stop.
There are also some graphics to download, and mystical recipes presented in a retro-fashion that look famously delicious!
I’m going to tell Betty about this. I think she’ll love it too.

Zombies are a girl’s best friend

2008-04-08T08:50:00.005-04:00

Movie • ZOMBIES OF MORA TAU • 1957
First things first. The old lady in this movie has a Great Dane very much like the one I neglected to mention in in The Undying Monster a few days ago. I made a point to omit my fascination with its presence because there really wasn’t much point. Now I’m wondering if Great Danes were the Rottweilers of yesteryear. We’ve seen Doberman Pinchers and German Shepherds as the ‘bad’ dogs, but I’m wondering if these Great Danes were considered ‘good’ dogs.
Back to business… I believe the Twilight Zone first aired in 1958, but I think there may have been a radio show earlier than that. Anyway, the opening crawl (which isn’t crawling, so is it a crawl at all?) read as follows:
In the darkness of an ancient world -- there is a Twilight Zone between life and death. Here dwell those nameless creatures who are condemned to prowl the land eternally -- the walking dead.
I found the use of that term interesting. I’d love to hear from you on this.
This has to be the first movie where zombies walk under water, and they did a terrific job. Zombie sailors are protecting a treasure of sunken diamonds off the coast of Africa, and many expeditions have died and “undied” trying to retrieve them.
I loved the cast that felt right out of Hogan’s Heroes. The heroes and their hussy were in direct contrast with the old lady and her snowflake great-granddaughter. Of course they had to give the sailor girl attitude. That was the excuse for subjecting her to spousal abuse. We were meant to dislike her. After all, someone has to join the zombies. By the way, the zombies are super-thug sailor zombies apparently made of steel! They just don’t go down. You go, zombies!
Even if you don’t like the movie, it’s worth seeing the Titanic / Ben Kenobi ending. Trust me.

Tha Saragossa ghosta

2008-04-07T10:28:00.005-04:00

Movie • THE SARAGOSSA MANUSCRIPT • 1965
I got to see this on the large screen this weekend. I’d never heard of it before, but it’s apparently a favorite of Martin Scorsese, Luis Buñuel, and Jerry Garcia. I was grateful to see it to say the least, but I can’t count it amongst my favorites. I don’t mind watching a 3 hour movie with subtitles, but The Saragossa Manuscript got awfully confusing.
It’s simple enough to follow at first. An officer finds a book in an abandoned building in the middle of a battle. He begins to read about a soldier who meets a couple of beautiful ghosts who claim to be related to him… but also want to marry him… both of them. Is it every man’s fantasy to marry two ghosts? The ghosts and all the other characters he meets tell him tales from the past to lead him to understanding his place in eternity, but that’s where it gets freaky and beyond. Each tale goes deeper by having characters that also must tell stories that begin in flashback style, but soon get so complicated themselves that you forget which story is being told by whom. It seemed convoluted for the sake of it. I imagine Jan Patocki’s novel reads the same without the humor that was injected into the film. The humor is what saved the film for me, by the way.
In the end, it all made sense… kind of, but it had to be the most convoluted ghost story I’ve ever heard. By the time you finished telling it the camp fire would have gone out, and there’d be no time for s’mores!

Undying toffee

2008-04-06T12:38:00.004-04:00

Movie • THE UNDYING MONSTER • 1942
They shouldn’t tell you this is a werewolf movie because it’s more of a mystery, and the werewolf is part of it. I DVR’ed this a while back and tried watching it a few times. Every time I fell asleep. Nothing like a good bedtime story. That’s what I get for watching it in the middle of the day.
I finally watched it in the middle of the night when I’m wide awake. Yippee, not as boring as I thought! It’s based on the novel of the same name by Jesse Douglas Kerruish. I bet it’s a pretty good read, and would make a scrumptious gift ;)
It’s all about the secrets in this movie so I’m going to recommend it to Betty Bones. She loves secrets. It’s funny how everyone is devious and mysterious until the end when it’s all solved. Then they couldn’t be more chummy… even though people died.
My hero in this was Ms. Cornelia Christopher or ‘Christi’ as they called her. She multi-tasked investigating monsters and making what looked like a delicious batch of cappuccino and toffee using equipment from the laboratory. She’s always famished, and she makes a good point when she says, “Lunch comes but once a day.” She grins when she hears clanking chains, and when she finds out there’s a crypt in the house. She’s my kind of gal. I shivered when she declared, “Monster? Now we’re getting somewhere.” Her enthusiasm for monsters and dessert won me over, but her taste in decor was brilliant too. She described Helga’s mansion as a “divinely gloomy old house.” Helga is the heir to the Hammond fortune, but that’s plot stuff I won’t bother you with.
Watch this movie with a plate of toffee and remember… When the stars are bright on a frosty night, beware the bane on a rocky lane.

Werewolf SMASH!

2008-04-05T13:35:00.008-04:00

Movie • THE WEREWOLF • 1956
This one’s been eating a hole in my DVR for a long time, but now I wish I’d watched it earlier. I was a little leery because I never really loved Lon Chaney, Jr.’s The Wolfman from 1941. This werewolf, played by Steven Ritch is much more convincing. Not so much the make-up or effects. That was pretty standard, and not much of a leap for a decade and a half later. But his acting was superb. A bit melodramatic at times, but that appeared to be the director’s instruction.
It began with narration very much in they style of a detective story, with storyboarding leaving me wondering why not much else from the 50’s looks this good. The angles were brilliant and the shadows were delicious. All of it was artfully done, though, at one point I was reminded that these times were a bit different when a patient was smoking in the doctor’s office.
It was interesting to see that this werewolf in particular didn’t need a full moon to change. It was kind of random, but I’ll leave that plot device for you to discover. It seemed fear, anger and pain triggered his changes. Sounds a lot like The Hulk. I half expected to hear, “Mr. McGee, don’t make me fuzzy. You wouldn’t like me when I’m fuzzy,” but there was no one named Mr. McGee ;)
Werewolf SMASH!

Terrore Nello Spazio

2008-04-03T20:22:00.013-04:00

Movie • PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES • 1965
I bought a soundtrack a long time ago from a movie called Terrore Nello Spazio. I’ll review that later, but you kind of get the hint when I tell you I looked for this movie after hearing the soundtrack.
When watching, please disregard (or enjoy) the silly technical phrases like, “Meteor Rejector.” Also take the time to w00t for the leather astro-outfits. You don’t get great costumes like this these days. Now, these aren’t your run-of-the-mill vampires. In fact they aren’t really much like vampires at all. They’re aliens looking for bodies to occupy, but the plot twists better than Twizzlers. This is a must-see for anyone who loves some of the sci-fi classics like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Day The Earth Stood Still and Forbidden Planet.
This cast, set, and creative team could have or should have worked together to do more. The story easily set up a sequel. I imagine with Hollywood’s inability to create anything new, someone will come along a remake this one. But, just like that delicious triple layered chocolate cake you remember from your 10th birthday no one will ever make another like it.

Astounding Tales of Broads and Monsters

2008-03-30T11:12:00.007-04:00

Book • Comic • THE CLAWS COME OUT • Pat Lewis • 2007
Why is the monster always the enemy? It’s great to see girl power in a book about monsters, but just once I’d like to see the monster come out as the winner. Bad date = monster? I suppose by definition, a man who tears people to shreds because they hit on his date would be a monster; but why should he be a vampire? Pat Lewis, have all vampires treated you this poorly? Maybe you should get out more. There are plenty of fine, upstanding vampires in the world.
The host of the book is Lily St. Evil. She’s got a similar personality to another horror host I know. If you can’t guess by her first panel, you have no business reading this book. She pulls off all the silly puns I love, and she holds the book together the way fly paper can hold lots of marshmallows (I’ve gotten 42 stuck - how many can you get?).
My favorite story was Abominable. It reminded me of Creepshow somehow. Zombie Trouble showed the most promise for me. Ms. Abigail, the fortune teller was a brilliant character. I’d love to see more of her. The ending, however, reminded me too much of Zombie Honeymoon. Must be serendipity that I should read this book on the same day I saw Zombie Honeymoon.
The art was fantastic. I don’t know if he Pat Lewis has ever acknowledged this, but his style looks a lot like Bill Watterson’s (Calvin & Hobbes). I’m going back for seconds after my next cupcake.

Sleep-walking horror

2008-03-30T10:49:00.007-04:00

Movie • I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE • 1943
Producer Val Lewton gets a Mulligan on this one. The zombie genre had not yet been established other than with a few ignorant ideas about Voodoo. These zombies aren’t hungry, they’re sleepy and boring. Other zombie movies of this time period succeed only in making zombies look silly and unscary. At least there were a few characters here who looked nightmare-worthy.
The story was pretty much Jane Eyre set to West Indies Voodoo. The only cringing happens when you hear the “jungle drums at the sugar mill.” If not for the great music and some early krunk, the native sets would be way too stereotypical. Lost fans might notice something that looks like a Dharma logo on the door at the ceremonies.
See you soon. I’m heading to the sugar mill for some good music and tasty treats.

True romantic horror

2008-03-29T21:31:00.009-04:00

Movie • ZOMBIE HONEYMOON • 2004
I've fallen in love with this couple. At first I thought I was wasting my time. This movie took itself way too seriously, and would have worked better as a dark comedy. I was glad to be watching with a tray of brownies and tall glass of chocolate milk.
Then it occurred to me. This movie is a romance. The writing was poor, but Tracy Coogan played her part as the broken hearted bride brilliantly. What would you do if your new husband, the man you love ate your friends and your travel agent? You cry and cry, but you love him unconditionally. Even if you’re a vegetarian, you accept that your husband now prefers a tasty noggin over bell peppers.
What the movie was missing was wedding cake. Through the entire hour and a half, I didn’t see a single dessert.

NIN • Ghosts I-IV

2008-03-28T17:01:00.008-04:00

Music • NIN • Ghosts I-IV • 2008
I just downloaded this album (legally of course) after finally receiving my download link. The purchase timed out, but it took my money. It took a few days for their support to send my proper download link, but I’m happy it finally arrived.
This is an experimental album that takes NIN in a moody direction. The song groups work well together, and they definitely take you away to a place that feels gloomy and hopeful at the same time. I even recognized lots of sections of his older work.
I got the feeling this music was about invading robot aliens from beyond Pluto. It was like a soundtrack all the way through. Probably why Trent Reznor has invited fans to make videos inspired by the music.

They Live

2008-03-27T20:02:00.010-04:00

Movie • THEY LIVE • 1988
It’s directed by John carpenter, so you know it’s not going to flat out stink; but there is a wild card that can take you either way. It stars professional wrestler Roddy Piper. He’s so deadpan, I wish he could have worn his Rowdy Roddy Piper kilt. He’s brilliant in this character. His famous line when he’s had enough will echo forever through the halls of cheesy horror, “I have come here to chew gum and kick a**… and I’m all out of bubblegum.”
There is a fight scene in this movie that lasts a full seven minutes… all because one man doesn’t want the other to make him wear a pair of sunglasses. Boys.
But these glasses are special. They help you see the alien invaders who look like people in bad Mars Attacks costumes. They make the masses obey, stay asleep, and marry and reproduce — all in the name of making us worship money or something. Roddy stumbles upon a secret rebellion (the people who made the glasses), and the plot thickens. Maybe about as thick a cold glass of chocolate milk.
Great for a laugh, I love this movie, and have seen it over and over.
I haven’t read it, but the movie is based on a short story by Ray Nelson called Eight O’Clock in the Morning.

The Host

2008-03-26T17:33:00.012-04:00

Movie • THE HOST • 2006
As goofy land-running giant fish monster movies go, this wasn't too bad. Try not to pay attention to the story. You'll be disappointed unless you like to make fun of bad writing, and worse acting. The monster shows up pretty early, so there isn't any time wasted, but they certainly tried too hard to shoe-horn in government reaction and family chemistry that never seems to work.
The best part was when the monster regurgitates the bones of all his victims. The sound of the bones trickling all over the concrete floor of the sewer reminded me of jelly beans in a plastic Easter egg.