Dinosaurus Van Winkle

Movie • DINOSAURUS! • 1960

DINOSAURUS! is nine years older than The Valley of Gwangi, so I’m going to guess Gwangi was somewhat inspired by Dinosaurus! However, Gwangi managed to be the whole delicious cake while Dinosaurus! was just the crumbs. I love me some crumbs, but when there’s cake to be had why would you choose anything else?

Don’t get me wrong. Dinosaurus! was extremely satisfying in the way fun, and goofy monster movies can be, but satisfying like a Twizzler, when you want real licorice. They’re both good, but one is more authentic.

Just like many pictures from back in the day, Dinosaurus! has prejudices and stereotypes cooked into the middle. This time, at least, its not only minority stereotypes. There’s the old Irish man employed to watch over the dinosaurs that were found somehow frozen in a tropical lagoon. Of course, he’s a drunk with a brogue and a slur… and a flask. The little Hispanic Central American boy is called Julio. What else? How and why this boy’s guardian is some undefined European traveller with a terrible rotating accent is never properly explained. Being it is a big part of the plot, I would have liked a little more character development there.

Aww, who am I kidding? I came for the caveman and the dinosaurs!

Caveman in a dress… soooo cute!

The caveman was central to the motivation of the protagonist, but why? Who would ever choose to steal a caveman when you can steal a dinosaur? Shows what small potatoes Mr. Hacker was after.

I loved this scene where the caveman found himself in a bedroom looking at portraits and a mirror. He quickly tried to fit in (or found original sin), because he was interested in dressing himself. Somehow, he found himself identifying more with the woman in the portrait, and so he tried on a dress. Makes sense to me! ;) tee hee.

Why are these extras so excited about seeing a dinosaur battle a construction machine?

Somehow this scene reminds me of the dinosaur in a fire scene from The Valley of Gwangi.

Over all, I was entertained, but not thrilled. Definitely worth seeing just for the discussion of the silliness. Maybe someone could write a parallel on Rip Van Winkle. I noticed the old Irish man reading a Rip Van Winkle comic, and we are absolutely supposed to think of the cavemen and dinosaurs as Rip Van Winkle characters. Or, maybe it’s just a reminder that it’s okay to sleep through this one.

Look at the size of that cordless phone!!! ;) tee hee.

Dead like Dead Like Me

Oh, it’s like watching a relative who’s been sick for a while die a slow death. It’s not an elderly relative, but someone who got sick before reaching their full potential.

It’s like going to see a concert where your favorite band has reunited for one “final” tour, only to find out their aging bodies have betrayed them. Their stage antics, voices, and playing abilities have all betrayed their withering forms.

This is what I felt from start to finish watching the once genius and powerful Dead Like Me turn itself into the hospitalized straight to DVD movie, Dead Like Me: Life After Death.

There were moments when the familiar George Lass brought me back to the old Showtime series, but even her dry, deadpan performance couldn’t save the DVD. Dead Like Me was just never the same without Mandy Patinkin. Too much turnover in characters, then the actors who play those characters just seemed to turn this into a failed franchise.

Stylistically they decided to tell the story differently too. How in the world Dead Like Me should be associated with comic books is beyond my comprehension. Granted, my brain only stays moist with a daily dose of maple syrup, but I don’t get it.

If you’ve never seen the show, rent or buy the first season of Dead Like Me. After that you’re on your own. There are some tasty cupcake sprinkles left on the plate after that, but they are few and far between. Enjoy the delicious concept early on, but promise yourself to never be addicted. You’ll never be satisfied with a true fix. It’s like replacing butter with yogurt in your cake recipe. While it’s still cake, it’s just not as yummy.

Special note to Ellen Muth who plays George Lass…

You were brilliant in your roll as toilet seat girl. You are great playing a sarcastic and bitter dead girl who is plonked into the new job of reaper without ever having applied. Please, and I beg you… please don’t reprise this role anymore. You are too talented to be type cast into a roll that will never evolve. It seems as if producers and writers don’t care about this series. Don’t let that be your legacy.

Oh, Coraline

Movie • CORALINE (in 3D) • 2009
Wishy wow-wow, holy cow-cow! I LOVE this movie! I don’t know what else to say. I heard it was a fantastic book, and that fans of the book thought the movie lacked some of the substance, but isn’t that always the case? Anyway, I hope then that you’ll see the movie first.
Coraline Jones was a convincing little girl with convincing foibles and characteristics. Each character was introduced with the perfect amount of fanfare and spice. Every time a new quirky neighbor is introduced, we are treated to vast descriptions of their past and private selves, but still left with so much mystery we want to see more of them. I haven’t read the book, but I suspect they added Wybie (the boy neighbor) just for the film version. The black cat could have told his part on his own. Perhaps they wanted to add a goofy sort of love interest. The comedy relief was found in the father and the “other” father, but I didn’t mind seeing the cute little boy.
Coraline and her family are new additions to “The Pink Apartment House,” and she feels somewhat alone because her mum and daddy are so neglectful due to their adult responsibilities. We are lead to believe Coraline has found a way to escape this dreary reality by escaping to an imaginary world where everything is as she would like it - including her parents; but there’s a catch. Everyone has buttons for eyes.
Soon we find out the dangers of Coraline’s ventures into alternate reality, and she bravely begins her plans for escape. The problem? She’s not the only one trapped, and her heart is way too big to take flight alone. She’s going to help the others break free from her “other mother.”
Brilliantly done, I loved the animation. Classic stop-motion integrated with a few computer effects give this picture such style, I plan to see it again and again!

I was lucky enough to see it at New York City’s Zeigfeld Theater in 3D on the last day it was being shown. It’s still out in theaters, so I recommend seeing it right away! It might be a wee bit scarey for young children, so bring your mittens to cover their eyes :)

I hope when it’s out on DVD they will release the 3D version. It really added to the atmosphere, and they didn’t spend too much time with 3D gimmicks. The 3D just made you feel like you were there in Coraline’s world.

Bonus to look for. At the end of the credits, what I can only surmise is an inside joke pops up:
For those in the know…
JERK WAD.
I don’t get it, but I like it.
Would love to hear from someone “in the know.”

Be careful what you wish for…

Gwangi-gi Gwan-gi-gi, oh so soft and cuddle-lee

Movie • THE VALLEY OF GWANGI • 1969
Gwangi is my new crush. I don’t think I ever even heard of it before stumbling across it on Netflix. I’m happy as a cotton candy sweater that I found it. I knew right away when I heard the early 70s movie musical score sounding way ahead of its time as a 1969 movie ;)


Before I knew it, the score turned into the feel of a Disney adventure film. Not knowing what to expect, I thought, “Okay, here comes the cheese,” but it was the bleuest of cheeses. The kind that goes well at a cocktail party. The kind of cheese that makes you feel better about yourself.
I was wondering early on what was with the over-acting, but then realized these must all be stage actors, and maybe actors from a real traveling cowboy show. The stunts were painfully convincing from the very first face-plant.
We open with a mysterious scene that has Miguel coming out of the Valley of Gwangi with a canvas bag of horse. Yes, horse. A toy sized, three-toed, long thought extinct horse. This horse is used in the traveling show that teeters on stereotyping, and falls over the edge with no remorse.

Gwangi is not a fan of the rodeo.

The movie itself playfully pokes at prejudices and stereotyping with the way our hero, Tuck speaks to Lope; but Lope puts him in his place, and takes it like a man… a gingerbread man. He is soooo sweet. He must have been the love child of a secret manage-a-trois among Robert Redford, Paul Newman and Charlton Heston. His name is James Franciscus. It's a wonder I never noticed him before considering how well known he is in the genre.

Lope, played by Curtis Arden. He has to be in his fifties now.

James Franciscus, the love child of Robert Redford, Paul Newman and Charlton Heston plays Tuck.

I have my suspicions that Stephen Speilberg was a fan of The Valley of Gwangi. There are many scenes and styles that were seemingly borrowed when Jurassic Park was made. Compare the unseen creature opening in a crate in Jurassic Park to the unseen creature opening in a bag in Valley of Gwangi. Also compare the boy-guide in Valley of Gwangi to the boy-guide in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. A few more things reminded me, but I forget what they were. Borrowing is flattery though. I was reminded of King Kong in watching Gwangi carted off to the show.

The effects integration was outstanding.

Go out and get this. Buy it, rent it, steal it. Get your eyes and ears on this flick. It’s a classic that never got the credit of classic it truly deserves. It’s Clash of the Titans meets Wild, Wild West.

Bonuses to not miss:
The Disney street parade in the beginning will make you chuckle.
The costumes look like they were straight out of an Old Navy commercial.
Gwangi gets credit as an actor (this makes me feel better about his death scene).
Strange voice-over for actress, Gila Golan who played TJ, Tuck’s love interest. Was her voice that bad?

Sad:
An elephant gets mauled by Gwangi… but it’s a claymation elephant.

2 Hours of Blah-chock-guck

Movie • 30 DAYS OF NIGHT • 2007
I should begin by saying I only just found out this picture was based on a graphic novel. It was probably much better presented in that medium, so I’m going to hunt that down, and read that.
I’ll continue by adding that a monster friend of mine told me he saw a version of 30 Days of Night that used subtitles when the vampires spoke. I can imagine that if I knew what these vampires were saying then they would have seemed even less scary. Okay, they were scary, but there were so many flaws in 30 Days of Night, I found myself throwing caramel popcorn at my screen. What a waste of caramel popcorn.
The premise is good. In Barrow Alaska they experience 30 days of night because of the Earth’s axis in their winter. So gypsy vampires come in to fish from a barrel. Two flaws already…
Flaw #1: The sun doesn’t set in this situation as if the last day was full and bright. It’s gradual. And the first sunrise after 30 days doesn’t give you full daylight. I know this because Frankenstein’s monster spent some time in Barrow, and he told me all about it when I was a little corpse.
Flaw #2: These are intelligent vampires. They act savage, but they are intelligent. Ask LilyBat. Their savagery is based on hunger. So, if they take the time to wait until the 30 days of night begins, why would they slaughter everyone they can get their claws on willy-nilly in the first night? That’s wasting food. They should have hunted slowly, so they could savor their cupboard of prey. Maybe having no daytime to sleep drives them batty.
At one point the surviving hiders find a little girl vampire that no one knows. It’s a town of something like 500. They know everyone. It’s safe to say then, this little girl came with the clan. So, why when all the other vampires speak Gluck-chuck-tock-chick does she look up from her midnight snack speaking perfect English to them? “I’m done playing with this one. You want to play with me now?” It was for shock effect, and it failed. Flaw #3.
Flaw #4: 30 days, and no one had to shave?
Flaw #5: At some point the beautiful Megan Franich gets scorched by standing too close to a sunlamp without SPF 50. Yet the rest of the vampires can stand mere inches from a blazing oil fire that engulfs the town without getting so much as a freckle.
Flaw #6: The head of continuity was asleep on the job. At least one vampire who was dispatched of in a way that there is no return shows up in a later confrontation. That’s just plain carelessness.
Now, this is not neccessarily a flaw, but just plain unbelievable. Take care. It’s a spoiler. Highlight to read:
Josh Hartnett does something to fight off the vampires in the end in order to make a diversion so his sweety can escape. he injects himself with vampire blood so he can be strong enough to throw down with the head vampire. Duh. So his strength matches the alpha vampire’s in a few short minutes, but none of the other vampires choose to take him on once he does him in? What is this, Lost Boys lore?
I don’t care to be negative any more. Even with these flaws, I still liked seeing it. I’m reviewing 30 Days of Night as if it was more than a horror movie only because it should have been.
Some things I liked:
The make-up was top-notch.
There was great atmosphere. The distant screams at intervals in the backgound really set the mood.
I caught the Wilhelm Scream at about the 39 minute mark. That was the highlight of the movie for me.

Megan Franich and her sexy blood goatee.

Scale Tipping Horror

Movie • THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE • 1959
In this cautionary tale, The Alligator People, Richard Crane plays a man named Paul Webster who volunteered for experimental treatment after a plane crash. His mangled body heals itself better than any human could because of alligator enzymes in his experimental treatment. But, of course, as with anything experimental in old medicine and old monster movies something goes wrong. Paul is slowly turning into an alligator man.

The story is told through flashback via Paul's wife, Joyce, though she has repressed the memory. She tells the story under hypnosis. It’s really a creative way to make this story more interesting. It comes across as a warning against human testing, and the repercussions of ignoring that warning.

Newlyweds Joyce and Paul Webster are traveling by train on their honeymoon when Paul receives a telegram (ancient form of communication) that changes his chipper mood. He gets off at the next stop, and his wife doesn't see him again… until after years of searching she finds him again. At this point he looks like a pancake batter make-up monster with scales scored into his face.

Eventually, an attempt at a hasty cure is interrupted by an old, drunk man made bitter by a long ago alligator attack that left him one hand short. This incident drives Paul’s metamorphosis into express mode, and he ends up looking like the Gorn from Star Trek.

Except for the costumes and make-up there is very little

camp and cheese here. I can genuinely imagine The Alligator People could be remade in modern day. Not that I don’t appreciate it as is. A modern version would probably be intentionally corny, but it wouldn’t have to be.

Richard Crane just wants a hug.

Lon Chaney, Jr. (credited as Lon Chaney) plays the part of hook-handed Cajun “Manon,” A lovable old coot who is obsessed with harassing gators.
Thanks, Margali for the correction ;)

IT’s the cute, smiley monster from Mars

Movie • IT! THE TERROR from BEYOND SPACE • 1958
As I suspected, IT! The TERROR from BEYOND SPACE was an inspiration for the original Alien. Don’t expect the same kind of terror, though. This creature from Mars has a permanent frown plastered on his face, and that's about as scary as he gets. That's not to say, of course, that this picture wasn't brilliant! IT! The TERROR from BEYOND SPACE was a double feature with The Monster That Challenged The World, and I loved both :) I wish I could turn his frown upside down because he makes me so happy.
An astronaut crew crash lands on Mars in January of 1973… Ooh, fu-ture ;) Edward Carruthers is the only survivor, and is suspected of killing his crew to survive longer. It’s really a simple and believable set-up. His rescuers are bringing him back home to Earth to face trial. We learn this in the press room back on Earth where reporters smoke cigarettes freely in a small room… Blech!
Of course, an emergency air lock is left open by mistake, and our frowny creature sneaks in to hide among the cargo, plotting his viscious attacks for the return trip. Carruthers is subject to accusations and requests of confession early on. I thought it would be good to continue that tension after the creature starts killing, but the rescue crew knows right away that he’s not involved.
After the first victim goes missing, everyone is darting around looking under tea cups for him as if he was an Easter egg. This hour and ten minutes had me chuckling the whole time.
I guess it was a fifties thing, but I had to wonder what a rescue rocket was doing loaded with hand grenades and gas masks. I felt like I was watching Lost for an instant! But then the creature bent a rifle with a wood stock, and I was all better. Chuckles all the way through - including the tetherless space-walk.
IT! The TERROR from BEYOND SPACE was only a little over an hour, so you have no excuse but to give this gem a look-see.

Gastropoda need love too

Movie • THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD • 1957
Thanks, I needed that! After so many modern movies, I was beginning to think I was losing my appetite for monsters and scary. The Monster That Challenged The World revived me ;)
While the monster never actually “challenged” the world (not in a Mr. T way, anyway), it challenged a ragtag group of Navy people. We begin as many black and white monster movies begin: in a documentary style narration using stock military footage for filler and setting.
Then the cheese is served up on a plate, and I gorged myself! It”s funny how obvious it used to be that writers never seemed to be aware that there is protocol in the military.
The atomic age monster makes an early appearance, and sheesh, he’s too cute! Then you find out there are many. A gaggle of cutsey wormy monsters who drink your blood, and leave you looking like a raisin. They would make great pets :)
Take note of the styles scenes that seem to translate directly into Jaws scenes. One in particular comes at the 24 minute mark. It’s almost exactly the same swimming death “tug” scene that happens at the beginning of Jaws.
A young couple out for a swim is lost to the snacking slug in the middle of the night. The monster leaves radioactive secretions wherever it has been, so I was a little confused as to why his secretions would be left near the spot they changed into their suits. That’s exactly the kind of inconsistency that I love about old monster movies. They put so much into the monster, they must have hired writers without continuity experience. Still, The Monster That Challenged The World made my day!

My bonus fun moment to watch out for is the contrived, but charming scene where the autopsy doctor pulls his lunch from the cold drawer where bodies are usually kept.

Wolf bites

Movie • WOLF • 1994
Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of a werewolf in Wolf is simply wonderful, but his performance barely saves this picture. In the end it turns out no better than a rainy day flick for when you don’t have any cookies to bake.
There is an attempt at a classic monster movie opening with the stylized film-work and soundtrack. It almost convinced me that the movie had promise, but it quickly turned into a slowly drawn out action romance. While the “bite” seems reasonable enough, the transformation is slow, albeit realistic. Where was the dramatic movie magic? Even in 1994 special effects were good enough to do a more convincing job.
The plot is a bit more involved than, say, an original Universal monster movie; but it doesn’t make the movie any more appealing. Michelle Pfeiffer was decent, but her strong presence makes it difficult to see her as a distressed damsel. This seems like a mistake, but instead it becomes an obvious hint of what’s to come. James Spader was what he always is… a jerk. I guess he’s typecast.
Forget the animatronics. Poor. The fight choreography was about as good as what you might see on a soap opera. This movie had great potential, but really ended up flopping like puppy ears.

Bonus coolness: Look for the cool skull behind David Hyde Pierce in his opening scene.

Blood is prettier than water

Movie • A TALE OF TWO SISTERS • 2003
A Tale of Two Sisters is another Korean movie. They have a knack for confusing me, even with the simplest of plots. Story-telling is a cultural thing, and I'm just not used to seeing stories told this way. Gobs of it was plain weirdness for what seemed like the sake of weirdness. Then suddenly, one line is delivered that sent tingles down my spine. Su-mi’s father says something toward the end that puts everything into perspective… mostly.
Su-mi and Su-yeon are sisters forced to live with their new “mother.” She and their father seem like an unlikely couple, and she apparently has a problem with these children. There is a lot of high-pitched yelling between the girls and their dad and step-mom; so keep your finger on the volume control if you don’t want a headache.
A Tale of Two Sisters is beautifully filmed, and every frame would make it into a frame on my wall if I had the space. But it seems a lot of the images are confusing to the story. I was never certain, even at the end whether the time-line jumped around or was the story in her mind… or her mind… or her mind… or his mind… or was it an explanation? Either way, if I hadn’t have watched it alone it would have been one of those great movies to discuss. What did this mean? What did that mean?
I recommend it to people who fancy subtitles and plot confusion. Come on, you can handle it.