It’s Got Legs

Movie • TARANTULA • 1955
w00t!!! Got to see the newest Chiller Theater feature, Tarantula from 1955. A black and white classic, Tarantula is a wonderfully done giant buggy picture. This should be on your list of must see monster movies from the 5os if you haven’t already seen it eleventeen times!
You may have recognized Zacherly, the Cool Ghoul by his distinctive laugh if you saw this presented on Chiller Theater. I fell in love with this dreamy host a long time ago, and was glad to see his return. Chiller Theater ran first in 1961, but Zacherly hosted starting in 1963. My memory was wrong as I thought the six fingered hand was part of the opening. In reality the opening was snippets from some chiller classics. The six-fingered hand crawling from the pool of blood came on commercial breaks. You always knew the feature’s conclusion was coming up when the Chiller Hand “ate” the letters C-H-I-L-L-E-R. Something else I never could have noticed back in the day is that the voice you hear moaning, “Chiiiilll-eeeeeeer…” sounds a lot like Homer Simpson.

Tarantula opens in Desert Rock County as a disfigured man stumbles and croaks. The mystery around this man, soon identified as a Professor Jacobs, quickly unravels as we find he was part of a team experimenting on rodents and insects in the hopes they can find a solution to overpopulation. I can’t understand the logic in this, though. They were developing a serum that would act as a nutritional supplement, but the creatures grew to extremely large sizes, which I suspect would need more food or serum to survive. I guess that’s where scientists go mad in their passion to make a difference. They get exposed to they crazy chemicals, and inject themselves with their idiotic concoctions.
Needless to say, the lab is destroyed, and all the experiments are thought to be destroyed. All. But. One. The TARANTULA! It leaves the lab the size of a dog, but quickly grows to be so outrageously enormous that it dwarfs a three story house :)

We follow the shenanigans of Professor Dima, Dr. Matt Hastings (our hero), and Stephanie Clayton, aka Steve. We get to see the lovely creature several times in seamless overlays. You’ll love the effects, so grab some popcorn, and enjoy!

Tidbit relayed by Zacherly in this showing: Uncredited was a young Clint Eastwood as a fighter pilot. You can see him in the last sequence.

I want to apologize for the run-on sentences. I get that way when I get excited about great movies!

Chiller Theater Returns!!!

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, but it gets very busy around here before Halloween. I have to let you know one of my favorite programs is coming back! If you are in the NY area, or get WPIX Channel 11, they are bringing back Chiller Theater! Remember that six fingered hand that emerged from a puddle of blood to eat the letters in “CHILLER?” Then it would sink back down with that eerie “Chiller,” voice. Ooooh I had such a crush. I just know the elbow had to be just as cute!
Here’s a link to the Channel 11 WPIX announcement:
http://www.wpix.com/wpix_chiller_theatre

Also, here’s a link to the original Chiller opening:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux3laLkueZk
We all know all YouTube links don’t necessarily last, so here’s a search for more:
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=chiller&search_type=&aq=f

The heard world

Movie • THE LOST WORLD • 1995 Audio book • Original book publication - 1912
Having seen the movie for the first time, I decided to listen to the audio book while I baked some cookies. Wow! The audio was almost 9 hours long, but I was entirely engrossed for the duration. The old writing made it amusing at times, but old-school racist also. If you can get past that, and listen knowing the sensibilities are archaeic you may enjoy the in depth descriptions, and playful commentary.
The love story is completely different, and almost completely absent once it’s established. I understand why they played up the love story in the movie, but I expected that there would be better resolution in the book.
The pterodactyl was the main dinosaur, and the ape men were the antagonists virtually missing from the movie. I was disheartened to see that the explorers were more concerned with conquering the Lost World and its inhabitants than preserving it. Still, though — it was a brilliant story everyone should “read.” You will hear all the inspirations for modern dinosaur movies.I downloaded this unabridged recording of The Lost World by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and narrated by Paul Hecht. Audible.com has a great selection of audio books. They don’t take up space on the shelf where you may rather display your bone collection.

Crafty music

Music • THE CRAFT • Soundtrack • 1996
Woosa, I’ve been in pieces lately. Sorry for the delay in posting. I haven’t been able to do much movie watching lately so, as a treat I’m going to talk music for a bit.
Music, when packaged well with a movie can be a way to experience the movie in small parts. Scenes can be recalled because of the perfect song. When you hear that song, the scene can pop up in your mind. My crush Quentin Tarrantino knows this.
The Craft soundtrack is really better than that. It serves to make me remember the movie more fondly. While it was a pretty cool movie, the music collection is a fantastic gift while the movie is just beautiful wrapping paper: enjoyable for the present, but not something to hold on to.
This soundtrack has some phenomenal cover songs. I hope you like covers the way I do. Updating or re-imagining music is a great compliment to the original artist as well as a refresh for us who appreciate the different takes.
All in all, I’d have liked a more spooky or haunting sound to the music like Mathew Sweet’s Dark Secret, but I understand how important it is to appeal to a wider audience. I do like that they stick with mostly outside the mainstream bands or independent artists like Juliana Hatfield (she happens to be one of our MySpace friends). Jewel is a bit out of place for my taste, but I like the song. Except for the rap part (she should lay off the rap) it reminds me of the 7o’s. That’s when my toesies are from, so they do some tapping.

Below is a track listing

1. Tomorrow Never Knows - Our Lady Peace
2. I Have the Touch - Heather Nova
3. All This and Nothing - Sponge
4. Dangerous Type - Letters to Cleo
5. How Soon Is Now? - Love Spit Love
6. Dark Secret - Matthew Sweet
7. Witches' Song - Juliana Hatfield
8. Jump into the Fire - Tripping Daisy
9. Under the Water - Jewel
10. Warning - All Too Much
11. Spastica - Elastica
12. Horror - Spacehog
13. Bells, Books and Candles - Graeme Revell

Craftmatic adjustable morals

Movie • THE CRAFT • 1996
I didn’t realize until I looked up the date the The Craft was out in 1996. That seems like ages ago! I have a special affinity to The Craft and its characters because I, for one, am seduced by the powers of magic. I am often tempted to sprinkle a little magical sugar on my baked goods because I am secretly scared no one will like them. Power is a seductive mistress, and cookies aren’t always as delicious as you fancy they might turn out.
I certainly fancied The Craft. Sure it took witchcraft a little over the top. It seems all too easy for movies to play off magic as an easy to come by talent that you can master in an afternoon. This picture was guilty of that too, but it was important that it set a moral code. There are consequences to using hate and anger as your energy source when you dabble with the unknown. What comes around goes around, and what goes around comes around three-fold.
North, South, East, West, the Craft was good, but not the best. When you come around to it, take a listen to the soundtrack. It’s chock full of goodies :)

The found masterpiece

Movie • THE LOST WORLD • 1925
How was I to know that without seeing this movie, I’ve not seen one of the greatest pictures ever made? By today’s standards it would be laughed at, but snotty-nosed kiddies with no appreciation for the endeavor and effort that went into something this big think CGI has existed forever. In my opinion stop-motion was one of the best inventions related to film. It was what brought magic into the eyes and imaginations of children and adults alike. The original classic based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s book, The Lost World was a milestone that stands as a masterpiece. Done long before King Kong, and other stop-motion favorites, The Lost World was silent, but resonated in film history.
Given our knowledge of the scary creatures from prehistory, I’d say that they came pretty close. Sure, they looked goofy at times. Sure, some of the dinosaurs depicted never actually existed. Never mind the Chaka type fellow and his monkey cohort. These were characters to bring personification to the lost place they found in the deep jungles of South America.
The Lost World includes a contrived and convenient love story, but I wasn't here for that. You could almost skip the narration and dialog cards, and still enjoy this picture for the brilliance!
I loved the overzealous Allosaurus and all the veggie-sauruses who fought like predators.
The only thing I didn’t like, but I guess was a sign of the time, was the black-face white actor who played the black man. That was a little weird. That, and the fact that the terrorizing dinosaur in the end is a brontosaurus!
I’ll enjoy this one again.

Eaten Alive needed spicing up

Movie • EATEN ALIVE • 1976
The 70’s were a time when films were being made that could offend you with the title alone. Then, if you bothered to watch you’d either see something so cheesy and poorly acted, any gore that might be present looks like camp.
Eaten Alive (from the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) begins with a naughty scene the boys might enjoy. It’s accompanied with some cheap synthesizer music. A Louisiana hotel owner is the reddest neck hick with a taste for watching his croc fill his belly. Having been attacked in the past, I’m guessing he sees his thrill as justified.
This movie is grotesquely violent, and crosses the line between campy gore and cheap shock. The killer is out of his mind! I just know this picture was one of Rob Zombie’s influences.
Everyone is crazy in Eaten Alive, including the victims and heroes. I had to check the credits to be sure, but an interesting hunky surprise is that the dreamy boy, Freddy Krueger has a role. Actually it’s Robert Englund looking surprisingly buff and pretty. He plays a sassy mouth local who is too tough to let the hotel manager scare him.
If you decide to watch this one keep the remote in your hand. You’ll be turning it down pretty often when the screechy screams take over the poor sound quality.

Jump around, jump around!

Movie • JUMPER • 2008
Hayden Christensen is a delicious peach pie in Jumper. I ate up the whole thing. There were a few small holes in the plot, but that was to let steam out so the pie doesn’t explode while baking. Who wants baked peach puree all over the walls of their oven, anyway?
I was pleased to watch this, and had a great time. The bad reviews Jumper got when it was in theaters are just backlash, projection, and displaced anger about the ruination of the once feared and respected Darth Vader. Christensen makes up for this in Jumper, and we can all refocus our disdain at George Lucas.
Hayden Christensen’s character finds himself with a new amazing talent when his life is in danger, and he quickly masters his “jumping” ability to fulfill fantasies of independence and luxury. Nothing teaches like travel, and we all know that while journeys are often fulfilling, who wouldn’t want to cut out the 20 hour flight to get to the other side of the planet? Some kids backpack through Europe, but we’d see it all, and appreciate so much more if we could eliminate the train ride between the Tate Museum and the Louvre.
Of course there are other jumpers, and with all the yins there are yangs. Samuel Jackson heads up an ancient team of people who want to make the jumpers extinct. They represent a religious right who make self-righteous assertions without realizing that they themselves are the ones at odds with nature. By trying to destroy the jumpers, they are the ones playing God as they accuse the jumpers of doing the same thing.
Jumpers is short enough to be heart-stopping action for the duration, so enjoy the ride! And the sequel (or series) implications are enough to make me hope for more!

Pack it up, pack it in
Let me begin
I came to win
Battle me that's a sin
I won't tear the sack up
Punk you'd better back up
Try and play the role and the whole crew will act up
Get up, stand up, come on!

ΩMega Bomb

Movie • THE OMEGA MAN • 1971
I have to admit, I’ve only seen this for the first time. These old cult classics should have been seen many times. I also have to admit, I will likely not be seeing The Omega Man many times. Maybe I’ll watch a scene here and there, but jeepers, it seemed like Omega Man should be watched at nap-time. Charleton Heston looked bored playing his role, and the plague surviving zombie/vampire people were more like jive-talking albino druids that mated with the Morlocks from The Time Machine.
I knew I was in for a really boring treat when Robert Neville goes into a theater to watch a Woodstock film… and we are subjected to several minutes of it as if we’d be given insight to the vibe. I get that what we see in this theater with Neville is a symbolic foreshadowing to the new night-dweller society. After a worldwide biological war, there are a few survivors who are a homogenized, socialist twisted version of the hippie peace ideology. These are the vampire/zombie people that were originally conceived by Richard Matheson in his book, I Am Legend.
I see now where the new I Am Legend movie drew most of its inspiration from. The urban setting, the basic plot line with Robert Neville saving the world with his blood just before dying a martyr’s death, the halfway love interest with a child, etc.
The Omega Man and the recent I Am Legend simply weren’t successful in telling the story of Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend the way Last Man On Earth starring Vincent Price did.
Stay away from Charlton Heston in this one. About the only thing I found entertaining was the inappropriately happy music that played as the soundtrack.
If you insist on watching, look for these three things:

• Listen to what Lisa says to Robert when they first meet. It’s a hint to his end.
• Look for the Alanis Morissette look-alike in the surviving human clan.
• The Ω in The ΩMega Man looks like headphones

But I recommend curling up with a cup of tea and some cookies, and reading Richard Matheson’s book instead.

Hellish to watch, and not golden

Movie • HELLBOY II: The Golden Army • 2008
As cute as this Hellboy guy is, and as cute as Ron Perlman is, I’m not getting this. How a sequel happened after the first snoozer is beyond me, but I’ve seen it happen. There are die-hard fans, and there’s serious potential behind an interesting set of characters and premise. So they had their chance to make it better (kind of like the Hulk), and they did indeed make it better; but they only made it slightly better than the first bad one (kind of like the Hulk).
While the set designs, costumes, CGI, make-up, and scenes were all brilliantly painted, and the patchwork of images and creatures were dazzling to watch, the story was plain and boring. Betty Bones was with me, and she actually fell asleep! She even had a bucket of brains to munch on!
I give Guillermo del Toro kudos for beautiful imagery, but please stick with non-franchise stuff. You probably lost control, and had to make the best with what you had. There is camp value. I guarantee I'll love this picture in about 20 years.
Nice tooth fairies, though. They were pretty close to the real thing.