Zombie wasp people

Movie • BLACK SWARM • 2007
I had a case of sniffelitis, so I spent the day on the couch. Here, I run across a pay-per-view, and I thought the description was fun enough for $1.99, so I watched. WHAT A VALUE! This is exactly the kind of movie that seems stupid now to folks who don't have at least one 40 year old eyeball. That eye has seen the sentiment for certain pictures change over the years, and it’s an interesting phenomenon.

In 2007 People probably thought Black Swarm, which I assume was a made for cable movie, was a pretty bad movie. They’d go on thinking that for a decade or so… maybe more, and with good reason…

• Bad stunts

• The writing is bad

• The characters have wonky priorities

• The characters jump to conclusions or play dumb when it’s convenient

• It was awfully easy to find the secret lair

• The story incorporated a twin story/love story

• kooky effects

• The best actor was a blind lady with too little screen time

• The director felt compelled to have an “Elm St.” because Robert Englund starred

• …and so much more!

But, BUT, BUT all this was little to endure when you get gems like wasp zombie drones. It sounds like I’m complaining, but maybe today I have a connection to the future. Black Swarm has everything I love about goofy monster movies. It’s just not old or black & white… oh, and there weren’t any monsters. Still worth seeing though. Go in expecting nothing, and Black Swarm will come out like a peach!

And Robert Englund has still got it!

BONUS: There is a dog whistle in the movie, and swear I heard dogs barking (not on my Telly) when it was blown.

Eaten Alive needed spicing up

Movie • EATEN ALIVE • 1976
The 70’s were a time when films were being made that could offend you with the title alone. Then, if you bothered to watch you’d either see something so cheesy and poorly acted, any gore that might be present looks like camp.
Eaten Alive (from the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) begins with a naughty scene the boys might enjoy. It’s accompanied with some cheap synthesizer music. A Louisiana hotel owner is the reddest neck hick with a taste for watching his croc fill his belly. Having been attacked in the past, I’m guessing he sees his thrill as justified.
This movie is grotesquely violent, and crosses the line between campy gore and cheap shock. The killer is out of his mind! I just know this picture was one of Rob Zombie’s influences.
Everyone is crazy in Eaten Alive, including the victims and heroes. I had to check the credits to be sure, but an interesting hunky surprise is that the dreamy boy, Freddy Krueger has a role. Actually it’s Robert Englund looking surprisingly buff and pretty. He plays a sassy mouth local who is too tough to let the hotel manager scare him.
If you decide to watch this one keep the remote in your hand. You’ll be turning it down pretty often when the screechy screams take over the poor sound quality.

A Nightmare to wake up from

Movie • WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE (part 7 in the series) • 1994
Ten years after the first one, after Freddy Krueger movies saturated the cinemascape of horror, Wes Craven decided to breath new life into his most famous character. This is the 7th in the series, but the first since the original to take itself so seriously it really paints itself as a Wes Craven diary entry:

Dear diary,
My Freddy Krueger franchise has made me rich beyond my dreams. I’ve exploited the character to his limits. Freddy Krueger is a household name. I feel now is the time to break the fourth wall down and try a new concept with him. We can rehash old scenes with several nods to my original masterpiece, A Nightmare On Elm Street. We’ll throw in a few references to some of my favorite scenes from the sequel too. It’ll be great. The audience will eat it up. I’ve run out of ideas, so this time I think we’ll use some of the actors from the original including the main character, Nancy. We’ll pretend they are these well-known actors who now have to face Freddy Krueger in real life!
We can have Robert Englund show up (I know he wants to be taken seriously as a real actor who can play other roles). We can rework Freddy Krueger’s make-up to look like a cheap Halloween mask. Less money on make-up = more money for profit! There’s no reason to bother having to fall asleep for Freddy to get you. This time we’ll use a creepy kid. He’ll be Freddy’s barrier. Creepy kids are scary, right? Right?
Gosh, I wish we could get Johnny Depp to reprise his role! Oooh, instead, I’ll play a part as Wes Craven myself. Now I’ll be well known for my good looks and acting ability as well as my films.
Sincerely,
Wes Craven

So there you have it. No reason for me to review it. It’s all right there in my pretend Wes Craven diary entry. It actually wasn’t terrible. It was fairly entertaining, but nothing more than a self-aggrandizing sequel.
I do agree with Wes on this: It would have been delicious if Johnny Depp could have reprised his role.

Fred Krueger is dreamy

Movie • A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET • 1984
With such an unassuming title, you’d never expect this to turn into a franchise that spans the decades; but if you were around in the 80’s you’d have seen that Freddy Krueger would turn into a new generation monster with real staying power. I suppose Freddy Krueger will one day be as popular a reference as Frankenstein’s Monster.
His impact as a scary character are still there despite the bad 80’s keyboard music, and the over-done gravely voice. You decide whether the early glove-building montage is lent from action films or just a threat of what’s to come.
I admit I didn’t love this movie back in the day, but having not seen it for twenty-odd years or so has fermented it into a tasty vino. 1984 was a good year. A Nightmare On Elm Street as seen in the 80’s was 80’s garbage, but now I see it as classic. Funny what time does. Could have something to do with my ears. The ones I had back then were more cynical.
The opening credits include, “Introducing Johnny Depp.” I’m guessing he did something before that or they wouldn’t have been compelled to “introduce” him, but they certainly had great foresight! Johnny Depp would become a favorite for all of us. His dreamy eyes, and manly cheeks make me melt. His hair was a little poofy, and his clothes were boring, but we can blame that on costumes and make-up. We’ll blame cheesy writing for his poorly delivered lines. Boy was the teenage interaction awkward and contrived.
Watch for the scene when Nancy leaps from her window. She’s supposed to be landing in or behind some hedges, but the inflated stunt cushion is plain as day. She lands on it, and you see it pop up from behind the bushes. I had to laugh at that.
Aside from goofy awkward acting here and there, and a few film mistakes, I had a great time watching this movie again. The dream sequences were well thought-out, and cleverly executed. We’ve all seen ‘how they do it’ special effects shows, but the camera tricks in A Nightmare On Elm Street still measure up. See? We don’t need no stinkin’ CGI!

“1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you; 3, 4, better lock your door; 5, 6, grab a crucifix; 7, 8, better stay up late; 9, 10, never sleep again…”
That’s the only time they refer to Krueger as “Freddy.” The parents refer to the child-killer as Fred Krueger, and Fred Krueger is what is written inside his hat.