I know what you did 30 years ago

Movie • URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY • 2005
Haven’t these urban legends all been put to film already? I don’t wnt to review any more bad movies, but here goes:
If you are going to nick scenes from movies that have been done, then crikey, don’t do them poorly! The spiders under the skin scene, the tanning bed death — they were already done better. These scenes were already done. Why try it again with FX interns and no budget?
A few things I noticed that might catch your fancy were these: The funny scene in class when the science teacher is talking about gorillas, the edit goes to one of the jocks in class. The timing was perfect, and made me snicker. The other is the blatant Scooby Doo hippie van when the picture turns into a wh0-dunnit mystery adventure looking for clues. And finally, early on there is a mention of Candyman. I’m not sure if it was a shameless plug or a dig on the series.
Avoid this pooh at all costs. You won’t have to face the atrocious Grudge/Ringu/Exorcist visual references.

Bloody dozy, bloody dozy, bloody dozy

Movie • DEAD MARY • 2007
Watching this movie made me feel like muckitypoo. It was bloody bad. Time for nappy-naps. The twisted tension between the characters never makes sense despite their ability to spell out the characters within the first twenty minutes. You get everyone’s story, and it’s all so borey. I think the movie was supposed to be a metaphor for the depressing monotony of life.
Just like a cliché horror slasher Blair Witch flavored teen angst crumb bucket, this picture uses all the ingredients popular with producers. Apparently the old urban legend of Bloody Mary is too dull, so these camping characters assert that Bloody Mary is the “lame version” of Dead Mary. So, say “Dead Mary” three times in a mirror when you are alone, and you’ll be bored to death.
The only saving grace I found — and I’m not even certain it’s not just a seed for a trash sequel — was the character of Ted. He’s mentioned several times, but never shows up. I’m hoping they were meaning to draw a connection to Waiting for Godot, and leaving the characters to dwell in dismal uncertainty. Nah, they couldn’t be so clever. Skip this one; and if there’s a sequel, just throw it back at the mirror and hope for seven years of bad luck. You’ll have a better time of it.