Eaten Alive needed spicing up

Movie • EATEN ALIVE • 1976
The 70’s were a time when films were being made that could offend you with the title alone. Then, if you bothered to watch you’d either see something so cheesy and poorly acted, any gore that might be present looks like camp.
Eaten Alive (from the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) begins with a naughty scene the boys might enjoy. It’s accompanied with some cheap synthesizer music. A Louisiana hotel owner is the reddest neck hick with a taste for watching his croc fill his belly. Having been attacked in the past, I’m guessing he sees his thrill as justified.
This movie is grotesquely violent, and crosses the line between campy gore and cheap shock. The killer is out of his mind! I just know this picture was one of Rob Zombie’s influences.
Everyone is crazy in Eaten Alive, including the victims and heroes. I had to check the credits to be sure, but an interesting hunky surprise is that the dreamy boy, Freddy Krueger has a role. Actually it’s Robert Englund looking surprisingly buff and pretty. He plays a sassy mouth local who is too tough to let the hotel manager scare him.
If you decide to watch this one keep the remote in your hand. You’ll be turning it down pretty often when the screechy screams take over the poor sound quality.

Back to back brilliance

Movies (Double Feature) • GRINDHOUSE • PLANET TERROR / DEATH PROOF • 2007
It was important to me that I review these movies together because the mood of the the two films together along with the fake trailers is part of the art. Quentin Tarantino has explained that it’s about the experience of the grindhouse double feature that he was raised on. I’m a television buff, so it was an entertaining and educating experience to know why these films were put together this way. Truth be told, I’ve seen Death Proof as a stand alone as well; and though I still loved it, there was no comparison to seeing the two together in the theater last year. Watching them together again for only the second time on cable, I was smashed! This double feature is a box of Raisinets sprinkled in your buttery popcorn.
Robert Rodriguez (Planet Terror) and Quentin Tarantino (Death Proof) team up well, and though the movies have very little in common aside from a few nods to each other using the same actors and similar characters, they work together like ice cream on cake. The formula is à la mode, and I hope we see this team-up again.
Be ready for some serious splatter gore that goes way over the top in Planet Terror. I got super thirsty when those watermelons were exploding all over the place. I was suddenly in the mood to open a can of cherry-pie filling too. Rose McGowan is absolutely brill in her portrayal of the go-go dancing stand up comedian, Cherry Darling. Her quivering lips and teary face at the end of the opening credits were straight out of exploitation films of the 70’s. She played in both films, with completely different roles, and convinced me in both the lost heroine who faces adversity, and the blond girly-girl who faces the dashboard.
Kudos th Stacy Ferguson (Fergie) too. I wasn’t sure what to expect from her presence originally; but her short screen time along with what I am sure was excellent direction gave her the opportunity to shine.
The soundtracks were appropriately balanced. My favorite part to note was the section in Planet Terror where our old friend Kyle Reese from The Terminator (Michael Biehn) shows up as the sheriff. The music turns reminiscent of the 80’s synthesizer music we hear in the original Terminator movie, and similar sci-fi/action movies of the time. It was a better nod than the typical Wilhelm Scream. The other note (and I always love QT’s soundtrack compilations of buried treasures) is the scripted mention of a great song to close your eyes to and swing your head (perfect for crashing your car). The song, Hold Tight by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Titch (get it right) was that momentous scene and song combination that Quentin Tarantino is famous for.
The girl power theme in Death Proof was unmistakable. You’ll get choked up after the thrills and kills when vengeance pays a visit. I was introduced to several new heroines to idolize. Not to take away from the perfection of Rosario Dawson and her excellent delivery of all QT’s lines (and that her character’s name was Abernathy), but Rose McGowan, of course, is the most famous. That’s why I was happy to see QT wasn’t afraid to make fun of her a bit. Pay close attention to the scene when she’s “driven home.” There will be a close up of the duck hood ornament on Stuntman Mike’s car. Immediately afterward we see a comparison of McGowan’s scrunched ski-slope nose. It was especially cute.
This review has gone on too long. I hope it’s somewhat cohesive. Last thing: Don’t watch these pictures without the trailers. You would hate to miss teasers for Machete, Werewolf Women of the SS (a fake film by Rob Zombie), Thanksgiving, and Don’t. Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t!

PS. Who is Chris Simonson, and is he another one of those Waiting for Godot references?

Witch way to the exit?

Movie • THE COVENANT • 2006
I must apologize for the string of bad movies I’ve reviewed recently. I blame the programming on cable these days. I’m going to have to hit my DVD collection if I really want to tell you about great movies. Contemporary horror is lackluster, and uninspired. Not enough camp goes unintentionally into monsters these days.
Okay, so this one was eye candy at least. The effects were superb, but it was again, just a visual thing. No great story here; and the only thing to have fun with was the Real World cast of beauties and hams.
The Covenant started of with promising music during the opening credits. Rob Zombie always gets my interest. And here is where you find the good spider coming out of the body scene. Much better than the one mentioned in my Urban Legends: Bloody Mary review. The constant moody weather was contrived, and predictable. How do these kids get so tan when the weather is always so bad?
The families of Ipswich formed a covenant years ago, and kept a silent pact to hide their magic abilities. The “Sons of Ipswich” are not witches, they are practically Jedi Knights in their abilities. It’s way over the top. Very The Lost Boys. Hey, by the way — can we come up with a better word that “darkling” for the baddies?
If you can’t stand a second of this picture, just sit through the Thelma & Louise - Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang scene so you have something you can really complain about.

Alice in Murderland

Movie • ALICE, SWEET ALICE • 1977

It’s one of those religious themed scary movies form the 70’s. There are no monsters in this movie, but Paula Sheppard who plays Alice sure pulls off the scary little girl so well, I am still haunted by her face. It should be noted that a little known Brooke Shields was in this as Alice’s little sister, but it’s no spoiler to say she dies very early on. I’m disheartened to see that some DVD covers give her name top billing when her role lasts about as long as a Lemon Meringue Pie at a hungry crone tea party. Trust me – she’s not the reason to see this. Paula Sheppard is.
Oh, and get ready for the creepiest landlord you’ll ever witness. Played by Alphonso DeNoble, he steps out of a Rob Zombie movie then gets into a time machine, and steals the show in Alice, Sweet Alice. I was rooting for Alice to put the creepy landlord out of his misery.
If you know me, you know I love everybody, but I think I hated everyone in this movie. I also wanted Alice to cook the goose of everyone from her naggy Aunt Annie to the old lady, Mrs. Tredoni.
The blame is laid out so carefully that you just know there has to be a better explanation for all we witness. Of course there is, but you’ll have to see it yourself. I was slightly impressed, and fooled only a bit.

As a bonus, keep your eyes out for the delicious chocolate cake Alice gives to Mr. Alfonso after her sister’s funeral. And for all you “I spy” players, take a look at the priest, and tell me he doesn’t look like Seth McFarland. Now I want to give confession to Brian the dog.

Paula Sheppard as Alice Spages.