Enoughy with Buffy

So, according to Bloody Disgusting, it looks like Buffy the Vampire Slayer is set for a remake.

Why do people celebrate these murdering types? Vampires just want the same freedoms you have.

Since I was 12 Years old…

Well, this looks like fun. For some reason, when I got this in my email, I started humming Ventura Highway by America.

The trailer looks fun enough. I hope we're supposed to make fun of this because it looks bad good, not good good. I wonder why monsters are always the bad guys. Maybe because we're actually the good guys. Bad = Good :)

Postcards from Salem's Lot

Darn that flash.

“This plastic cross from your toy monster scene model is frightening to me!”

Salem's Loot

So, there I was watching Salem's Lot from 1978 with my ghoulfriends, when I was struck by this scene in which the constable has decided to skip town. Constable Parkins Gillespie is in the station wagon with his family heading to North Carolina. He's running from the vampires, because they're turning everyone in Salem's Lot.

Ben Mears played by David Soul of Starsky and Hutch fame tries to stop the constable unsuccessfully, but Gillespie has enough sympathy for Ben Mears' mission that he gets out of the family car, reaches into the OPEN WINDOW of his patrol car, and pulls a pistol out of the passenger seat. He gives it to Ben to use since he's staying in Salem's Lot.


Get the picture? The constable had every intention of leaving town with his patrol car window open for rain to get in and ruin the interior. Oh, and the pistol being left on the seat would be a safety issue, but what about the car interior??? Those vampires pay your salary through taxes, mister!

Sparkly old men

I’m sorry. I have very little good to say about Twilight. I wanted to like it. I really did. I even refrained from reviewing the book because I thought it was awful. The audio book was even worse. Listening to that whiney voice read the story as if everyone was in grousing mode was excruciating.

These vampires “sparkle” like diamonds in sunlight? That’s their eternal torture? They run around like they have wires in their back. Oh, brother. I can’t really even get into it because I’m not a negative monster. I’m just going to say I can’t review the Edward and Bella romance. Edward is a 90 year old man in a 17 year old body courting an actual teenage girl. There’s something fundamentally wrong with that.

Maybe some day I can revisit it, and try again; but I doubt it. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

2 Hours of Blah-chock-guck

Movie • 30 DAYS OF NIGHT • 2007
I should begin by saying I only just found out this picture was based on a graphic novel. It was probably much better presented in that medium, so I’m going to hunt that down, and read that.
I’ll continue by adding that a monster friend of mine told me he saw a version of 30 Days of Night that used subtitles when the vampires spoke. I can imagine that if I knew what these vampires were saying then they would have seemed even less scary. Okay, they were scary, but there were so many flaws in 30 Days of Night, I found myself throwing caramel popcorn at my screen. What a waste of caramel popcorn.
The premise is good. In Barrow Alaska they experience 30 days of night because of the Earth’s axis in their winter. So gypsy vampires come in to fish from a barrel. Two flaws already…
Flaw #1: The sun doesn’t set in this situation as if the last day was full and bright. It’s gradual. And the first sunrise after 30 days doesn’t give you full daylight. I know this because Frankenstein’s monster spent some time in Barrow, and he told me all about it when I was a little corpse.
Flaw #2: These are intelligent vampires. They act savage, but they are intelligent. Ask LilyBat. Their savagery is based on hunger. So, if they take the time to wait until the 30 days of night begins, why would they slaughter everyone they can get their claws on willy-nilly in the first night? That’s wasting food. They should have hunted slowly, so they could savor their cupboard of prey. Maybe having no daytime to sleep drives them batty.
At one point the surviving hiders find a little girl vampire that no one knows. It’s a town of something like 500. They know everyone. It’s safe to say then, this little girl came with the clan. So, why when all the other vampires speak Gluck-chuck-tock-chick does she look up from her midnight snack speaking perfect English to them? “I’m done playing with this one. You want to play with me now?” It was for shock effect, and it failed. Flaw #3.
Flaw #4: 30 days, and no one had to shave?
Flaw #5: At some point the beautiful Megan Franich gets scorched by standing too close to a sunlamp without SPF 50. Yet the rest of the vampires can stand mere inches from a blazing oil fire that engulfs the town without getting so much as a freckle.
Flaw #6: The head of continuity was asleep on the job. At least one vampire who was dispatched of in a way that there is no return shows up in a later confrontation. That’s just plain carelessness.
Now, this is not neccessarily a flaw, but just plain unbelievable. Take care. It’s a spoiler. Highlight to read:
Josh Hartnett does something to fight off the vampires in the end in order to make a diversion so his sweety can escape. he injects himself with vampire blood so he can be strong enough to throw down with the head vampire. Duh. So his strength matches the alpha vampire’s in a few short minutes, but none of the other vampires choose to take him on once he does him in? What is this, Lost Boys lore?
I don’t care to be negative any more. Even with these flaws, I still liked seeing it. I’m reviewing 30 Days of Night as if it was more than a horror movie only because it should have been.
Some things I liked:
The make-up was top-notch.
There was great atmosphere. The distant screams at intervals in the backgound really set the mood.
I caught the Wilhelm Scream at about the 39 minute mark. That was the highlight of the movie for me.

Megan Franich and her sexy blood goatee.

ΩMega Bomb

Movie • THE OMEGA MAN • 1971
I have to admit, I’ve only seen this for the first time. These old cult classics should have been seen many times. I also have to admit, I will likely not be seeing The Omega Man many times. Maybe I’ll watch a scene here and there, but jeepers, it seemed like Omega Man should be watched at nap-time. Charleton Heston looked bored playing his role, and the plague surviving zombie/vampire people were more like jive-talking albino druids that mated with the Morlocks from The Time Machine.
I knew I was in for a really boring treat when Robert Neville goes into a theater to watch a Woodstock film… and we are subjected to several minutes of it as if we’d be given insight to the vibe. I get that what we see in this theater with Neville is a symbolic foreshadowing to the new night-dweller society. After a worldwide biological war, there are a few survivors who are a homogenized, socialist twisted version of the hippie peace ideology. These are the vampire/zombie people that were originally conceived by Richard Matheson in his book, I Am Legend.
I see now where the new I Am Legend movie drew most of its inspiration from. The urban setting, the basic plot line with Robert Neville saving the world with his blood just before dying a martyr’s death, the halfway love interest with a child, etc.
The Omega Man and the recent I Am Legend simply weren’t successful in telling the story of Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend the way Last Man On Earth starring Vincent Price did.
Stay away from Charlton Heston in this one. About the only thing I found entertaining was the inappropriately happy music that played as the soundtrack.
If you insist on watching, look for these three things:

• Listen to what Lisa says to Robert when they first meet. It’s a hint to his end.
• Look for the Alanis Morissette look-alike in the surviving human clan.
• The Ω in The ΩMega Man looks like headphones

But I recommend curling up with a cup of tea and some cookies, and reading Richard Matheson’s book instead.

The Vampire, Bill

Book • DEAD UNTIL DARK• Charlaine Harris • 2001
At first I wasn’t sure what to make of Sookie Stockhouse and the vampire fellow named Bill, but despite recommendations against reading this novel I think I’ve found a series of books to read. I didn’t realize it was a series when I first picked it up, so I’m glad the story is not over.
Dead Until Dark explores vampires and their lives in a way that is much closer to the real life they lead than any of the pretentious series that try to introduce new laws into their lore. Vampires, just like people come in many shapes, sizes, and personalities. Just like people, they are not all killers. Just like people they have to deal with their peers. Vampirism deals with generations gaps beyond human mortal comprehension, and Charlaine Harris seems to understand that. Vampires can have remorse, and they can be cold as a corpse.
Dead Until Dark is a love story and a mystery that just happens to involve vampires. The progression of the characters’ relationships is believable and compelling. I highly recommend this book as a stand-alone. Give it a try. I’ll be picking up the next in the series when I get to the store again. Maybe I’ll just order it online. Everyone seems to freak out when they see an adorable little reanimated quilted corpse walking through the book store.

Dead Until Dark is also approved as a good book by my good friend, LilyBat (who happens to be a vampire).

PS. There is a great surprise that will come up so unexpectedly toward the end, I am anticipating the Sookie Stockhouse series to bowl me over every time.

Santo vs. las mujeres vampiro

Movie • SAMSON vs. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN (aka: Santo vs. las mujeres vampiro) • 1961
Samson, or Santo as the fans cheer his name (the movie is dubbed in English, but the crowd still cheers in Spanish) is a masked wrestler in Mexico. I never heard of him before, but I learned he did a Frankenstein movie too. I’m going to have to look that one up. I found this one on the local college television station for CUNY (The City University of New York). Searching the internet, I found out Samson vs The Vampire Women is available on a DVD with a few other movies as a bargain DVD. That was a relief because when I heard the sound quality and saw the reel changes were so evident and choppy I was afraid they might have broadcast it from film. You never know how old college equipment is. At least the movie has been digitized if not restored. It’s an antique worth seeing.
The opening has us in a mausoleum for a group of vampire women and their wrestler bodyguards. They awaken after 200 years of slumber, and crikey, do they look like they still need rest. They went with pancake batter makeup for the dried mummy look. It was so creepy I should have watched it for breakfast. Unlike the old Universal films, they didn’t try to sex up the monsters… that is until they were able to get some blood and face cream. Suddenly, with poor transition, these hideous women with 200 year bed-head looked like Greek goddesses with fangs.
The vampire women need to collect their queen’s successor, a descendant from a past queen. They intend to let her rule the vampire women, but daddy won’t have it. If you ask me, she missed out on a great opportunity. The queen of the darned, my good friend LilyBat would have jumped at the chance.
If you are a fan of modern entertainment wrestling, there are several treats. I had no idea how much wrestling has not changed in the past 50 years! It’s basically the same. Tag team cheaters, fake punches, loud drops to the mat, and so on. I suppose the question of who Santo was must have been as mysterious as the Lone Ranger or Batman, so they had a scene where he was about to be unmasked. Oooooh, the drama! For whatever reason, though Santo fights for justice in public, he still fights in the ring for cheers and belts. Also, for whatever reason, one of the vampire bodyguards takes the place of Santo’s opponent, and fights him in the ring. Santo ends up turning the tables, and unmasking his foe who, again, for whatever reason looks like a werewolf when the mask comes off. I guess it was for dramatic effect but bullocks, they should have just made him look like a bat or something… oh, wait. Was that supposed to be a bat face?
All said, this was a fun picture to watch — right down to the vampire goons running with their arms spread and holding their capes like kiddies pretending to fly. I was a little miffed at the end with the way he did away with the vampires. All they wanted was their queen, and they were treated like vermin. I almost lost my eel pie. Well, butter sticks, it was still too much fun to miss!

Terrore Nello Spazio

Movie • PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES • 1965
I bought a soundtrack a long time ago from a movie called Terrore Nello Spazio. I’ll review that later, but you kind of get the hint when I tell you I looked for this movie after hearing the soundtrack.
When watching, please disregard (or enjoy) the silly technical phrases like, “Meteor Rejector.” Also take the time to w00t for the leather astro-outfits. You don’t get great costumes like this these days. Now, these aren’t your run-of-the-mill vampires. In fact they aren’t really much like vampires at all. They’re aliens looking for bodies to occupy, but the plot twists better than Twizzlers. This is a must-see for anyone who loves some of the sci-fi classics like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Day The Earth Stood Still and Forbidden Planet.
This cast, set, and creative team could have or should have worked together to do more. The story easily set up a sequel. I imagine with Hollywood’s inability to create anything new, someone will come along a remake this one. But, just like that delicious triple layered chocolate cake you remember from your 10th birthday no one will ever make another like it.

Astounding Tales of Broads and Monsters

Book • Comic • THE CLAWS COME OUT • Pat Lewis • 2007
Why is the monster always the enemy? It’s great to see girl power in a book about monsters, but just once I’d like to see the monster come out as the winner. Bad date = monster? I suppose by definition, a man who tears people to shreds because they hit on his date would be a monster; but why should he be a vampire? Pat Lewis, have all vampires treated you this poorly? Maybe you should get out more. There are plenty of fine, upstanding vampires in the world.
The host of the book is Lily St. Evil. She’s got a similar personality to another horror host I know. If you can’t guess by her first panel, you have no business reading this book. She pulls off all the silly puns I love, and she holds the book together the way fly paper can hold lots of marshmallows (I’ve gotten 42 stuck - how many can you get?).
My favorite story was Abominable. It reminded me of Creepshow somehow. Zombie Trouble showed the most promise for me. Ms. Abigail, the fortune teller was a brilliant character. I’d love to see more of her. The ending, however, reminded me too much of Zombie Honeymoon. Must be serendipity that I should read this book on the same day I saw Zombie Honeymoon.
The art was fantastic. I don’t know if he Pat Lewis has ever acknowledged this, but his style looks a lot like Bill Watterson’s (Calvin & Hobbes). I’m going back for seconds after my next cupcake.