Craftmatic adjustable morals

Movie • THE CRAFT • 1996
I didn’t realize until I looked up the date the The Craft was out in 1996. That seems like ages ago! I have a special affinity to The Craft and its characters because I, for one, am seduced by the powers of magic. I am often tempted to sprinkle a little magical sugar on my baked goods because I am secretly scared no one will like them. Power is a seductive mistress, and cookies aren’t always as delicious as you fancy they might turn out.
I certainly fancied The Craft. Sure it took witchcraft a little over the top. It seems all too easy for movies to play off magic as an easy to come by talent that you can master in an afternoon. This picture was guilty of that too, but it was important that it set a moral code. There are consequences to using hate and anger as your energy source when you dabble with the unknown. What comes around goes around, and what goes around comes around three-fold.
North, South, East, West, the Craft was good, but not the best. When you come around to it, take a listen to the soundtrack. It’s chock full of goodies :)

Silent, but deadly

Movie • HÄXAN • 1922
Blown away. I wasn’t sure if this picture was going to be an exclusive film buff fave or enjoyable by anyone. Now I know better. Haxan is a must see. It’s entertaining enough to keep the interest of anyone who needs to be fooled into watching something educational. Though Haxan means witch, witches should not be considered to be ‘monsters’ while in fact this is a monster movie. The monsters are the inquisition of men who tortured and burned accused witches.
“The Witch” is told in seven parts, each giving more insight into the portrayal, treatment, and history of witches and accused witches through the ages. Part I was a 15 minute lesson on the history of our relationship with the universe around us. I was drawn in immediately with the superb sets and models used to illustrate the subtitles.
Not knowing what the intent of the director had been, I was confused with the portrayal of the witches. I had earlier figured this film to be a lesson in our absurdity for our foolish beliefs. The tone of the subtitles implied how ridiculous some of the customs regarding witches were. It seems to me these men of power planted the seeds to nurture rumors and bizarre superstitions into the thorny vines of accusation. They sure “knew” a lot about how witches went about doing their nasty deeds. Boiling cat feces and dove hearts by moonlight would certainly soften anyone’s heart (while nauseating them because you put a drop in their drink). I don’t see how this would be a love potion, and I think that was the point.
I imagined those seeing this silent moving picture when it was first released as a generation of somewhat enlightened populace. Maybe they needed the nudge of this film as pier pressure to show them the ridiculous nature of their ancestors’ folly.
See Haxan for the documentary value, but don’t miss the amazing costume designs and effects. There is a particular stop-motion scene involving coins that will have you doing back flips. Benjamin Christensen certainly understood the bounds of his medium, and he stretched them like taffy.
Most impressive was the segment describing the functions of some torture devises. Near the end of this, Benjamin Christensen allows one of his actresses the honor of experiencing one for herself upon her insistence.
This Reveue de Jitters is dedicated to the over 8 million accused witches who were needlessly murdered in a holocaust that lasted for centuries.

Witch way to the exit?

Movie • THE COVENANT • 2006
I must apologize for the string of bad movies I’ve reviewed recently. I blame the programming on cable these days. I’m going to have to hit my DVD collection if I really want to tell you about great movies. Contemporary horror is lackluster, and uninspired. Not enough camp goes unintentionally into monsters these days.
Okay, so this one was eye candy at least. The effects were superb, but it was again, just a visual thing. No great story here; and the only thing to have fun with was the Real World cast of beauties and hams.
The Covenant started of with promising music during the opening credits. Rob Zombie always gets my interest. And here is where you find the good spider coming out of the body scene. Much better than the one mentioned in my Urban Legends: Bloody Mary review. The constant moody weather was contrived, and predictable. How do these kids get so tan when the weather is always so bad?
The families of Ipswich formed a covenant years ago, and kept a silent pact to hide their magic abilities. The “Sons of Ipswich” are not witches, they are practically Jedi Knights in their abilities. It’s way over the top. Very The Lost Boys. Hey, by the way — can we come up with a better word that “darkling” for the baddies?
If you can’t stand a second of this picture, just sit through the Thelma & Louise - Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang scene so you have something you can really complain about.

Her today, gone Tamara

Movie • TAMARA • 2005
For the record, the above graphic is my worst rating. I think I need to make a new one with all five eyes completely closed, dried up, and sewn shut. I don’t usually lose my appetite when I watch my scary movies, but Tamara made me want to wretch… and it wasn't the particular scene where she used her powers to make a girl chuck her dessert. The only kudos I extend for this movie are for the fact that they actually had me hoping for a particular death scene, and they yanked it away from me. It may have been a first. Fast forward through to see it. Hint: It almost had me wishing for smelevision. It would have smelled delicious!
Okay, to start… what’s with all the dead student returns for revenge themes? They are filling my DVR like factory-made cannoli cream. Second… I don’t understand why witchcraft is represented as evil way too often. Third… If you ask me, aside from acting like a floozy in the second half of her duality role, she deserved revenge for how she was treated. But they always have to toss in a true-love moment that saves those that have any good in them. Boring.
Bah! Why am I even spending time writing this. Tamara was a bad movie, and I wasted enough time. Bad gore. Boring premise. I need to watch a good, silly black & white monster movie to get the taste out of my mouth.
PS Believe it or not it was really me, Abby Cadaver who wrote this, not LilyBat. But I’m sure she’ll agree.